


the flowers i grew for you

by wingenuine



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Hanahaki AU, Implied Relationships, M/M, Possible Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-18 16:36:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13685547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingenuine/pseuds/wingenuine
Summary: Somewhere along the way, Hyunwoo falls in love. If only Kihyun loved him back.





	1. Part I

There are only two endings to _Hanahaki_ disease: you live or you die. Simple, really.

Then there are two ways you can live. Your previously unrequited feelings are returned or you get rid of them.

But then there are two ways you can get rid of the feelings. The one that every _Hanahaki_ patient is offered is surgery. Quick, effective, infallible. Get rid of every last feeling in your body and there’s no chance of recurrence. No chance of falling in love again. Easy.

The other way to is to let the feelings die. Let the flowers blooming in your lungs starve until they wither away to nothing, until the last petal you cough up is brown and shriveled, and you can breathe easier again. But it’s not perfect. Because emotions remain and emotions are the perfect soil for the seeds of love. And if you fall again expecting nothing in return, the flowers will bloom once more.

There’s a lot of theories on who is prone to developing _Hanahaki._ Some say there’s a genetic marker. Some say there’s an environmental cause. Research shows that there’s most likely a multifactorial cause. However, the strongest theory is that those who love with all their heart, who give everything until there’s nothing left, are the most prone to _Hanahaki._

 

Hyunwoo thinks it’s bullshit.

 

The first time Hyunwoo coughs up petals, he is eighteen and has just said goodbye to Jinyoung, Mark, and Jaebum after dance lessons. In the bathroom stall at JYP, he coughs and coughs until soft sky blue petals fall from his lips and into the toilet. He will later find out that the petals are hyacinth petals when he manages to cough out a full flower into his hands as he watches Mark and Jinyoung leave for their secret, not really secret, ice cream dates.

Hyacinths stand for constancy, or at least that’s what a quick Naver search tells him. And when he closes his eyes, he sees Jinyoung, the corners of his eyes crinkled as he smiles, his fond look as he listens to Hyunwoo with rapt attention during private dance lessons. Hyunwoo knows what it is. _Hanahaki_. The disease of unrequited love. They learned about it during one of their many health lessons about being an idol.

He loves Jinyoung but Jinyoung does not love him back. And that’s just how it is. He’s just part of the unlucky few that cough up flowers when that happens.

Idols cannot have _Hanahaki._ It’s a fact, as cruel as it is. His chest feels tight and the flowers blooming in his lungs are starting to affect his dancing and singing. He can’t perform when he’s coughing his lungs out just because Jinyoung doesn’t love him back. JYP is looking to debut a group soon and he knows he won’t be a part of it.

So he leaves JYP.

Jinyoung cries when he finds out and buries himself into Hyunwoo’s chest when Hyunwoo stops by the training rooms to pick up his things and say goodbye. For the first time in a while, Hyunwoo feels lighter and he breathes easily, apologizing to Jinyoung and Jaebum and Mark and Youngjae and all the other trainees that he’s made unlikely friendships with. Jinyoung doesn’t let him go until Jaebum has to pull him away so that Hyunwoo can leave.

Hyunwoo breathes in deeply and smiles a little. It feels a lot like letting go. Of the past two years of being a trainee. Of his dreams of being an idol. Of Jinyoung. The feelings will die and the story will come to an end. That’s fine.

 

But life is not one story but a compilation of them and as one story ends, another begins.

 

Starship Entertainment gives him a second chance. He’s amassed some fame as an OST singer and Lee Hyori’s back dancer but in the trainee world, talent bares its fangs from every shadow. There are monsters lurking beneath pretty faces and Hyunwoo only has an olive branch for a weapon.

As he’s learned from his old company, trainees don’t try to get close to the new trainees until they’re sure they’ll stay. In a world of people constantly moving in and out, friendships are only meant to break. Hyunwoo doesn’t mind this.

He’s not going to fall in love again. That’s a promise he made all those years ago, trying to figure out what he wanted in life. This is his last chance and he’s not going to ruin it. Not again. Hyunwoo doesn’t allow himself to let his guard down. Even as the walls come down when the other trainees realize he’s here to stay, there’s always the remaining thought: _you can’t fall in love_.

It’s expected for an idol. They’re not allowed to fall in love. But Hyunwoo has a tell, a rather obvious one that needs to never be revealed. So Hyunwoo learns to cut the flowers before they bloom, learns to take the conditions that prevent love from flowering and internalize them into himself.

Hoseok is Hyunwoo’s first challenge at Starship. They’re similar in some ways and different in many others and Hyunwoo thinks that if they had met on the streets a few years ago, he would have fallen in love. Hoseok is easy to love and he gives love so freely, Hyunwoo almost thinks it’s okay to love him before he catches himself from falling.

When Hyunwoo feels his heart flutter at Hoseok’s bright hiccupy laugh, when he catches himself staring at the younger as they work out together, Hoseok’s pale skin glistening with sweat like some sort of Greek god, when he finds Hoseok asleep with his laptop running after a long night of composing, he reminds himself: _you can’t fall in love_. He tramples on the feelings before they even have a chance to bloom.

Hyunwoo and Hoseok are friends. Brothers born of the same cloth but different mothers. And that’s it. That’s all they’ll ever be.

It’s a little easier with Jooheon. Lee Jooheon is young and fierce and talented, a trainee far above the rest, one who’s fought his way to the top and has left a trail of fire behind him. But he’s sweet and thoughtful, soft dimpled cheeks like mochi balls that makes Hyunwoo want to pinch them.

But then Jooheon decides that he likes calling Hyunwoo _Appa_ and any romantic feelings die right then and there. He still gets to pinch Jooheon’s cheeks though, so he doesn’t mind.

Together with Gunhee, they’re set for debut under Starship X as NuBoyz. They’ve released a mixtape. They’re in the line-up for the Starship X concert in December along with two-month trainee Kwangji and new rapper trainee I.M. They already have fans cheering at their mini-stages, the lights bright and the screams loud.

Then they don’t debut.

Instead, they’re tossed into No.Mercy mercilessly. It’s a do-over, Hyunwoo reminds himself. Another start from zero. Another beginning. It’s okay. He can do this.

Hyunwoo doesn’t like remembering No.Mercy, doesn’t like remembering the losses and the failures. There’s not many good memories. He remembers meeting Jinyoung again and he remembers realizing that his heart no longer raced and his chest no longer ached anymore at Jinyoung’s smile. It almost feels like loss.

But when it is a competition as fierce as No.Mercy, there is no place for regrets, no place for things like sadness and guilt over things that have long past, not when the present threatens to sucker punch you in the face every single day. He only cries once throughout the whole thing, doesn’t mourn because at the end of the day, No.Mercy is a competition and he’s just another player.

It earns him the nickname _Robot_. It’s not the most flattering of nicknames but the years of learning to prevent the growth of flowers in his lungs have made him a bit emotionless. He briefly wonders if this is how Hanahaki surgery feels, if waking up after the sudden removal of all feelings would feel like the constant suppression of emotions so that love never blooms. He reminds himself that this is how it’s supposed to be, how it has to be, and doesn’t let himself regret.

 

But there’s one problem.

Hyunwoo’s not stupid, even if he may seem a little slow on the outside. Monsta X is a team now and he’s their leader because for some reason or another, the rest of the members thought he would do a better job than Hoseok. He doubts their decision-making skills and then realizes that’s probably why he was chosen to be the leader.

But as a team, and as their leader, he can’t allow himself that emotional distance that he once used as a protective armor. He cannot fall in love but how can he not when his bandmates are people worth loving with all of his heart? Hyunwoo cannot protect his heart _and_ be a good leader and teammate.

Not when there’s the beautiful and vibrant Minhyuk whose affection borders the line between excessive and inappropriate. Who clings to Hyunwoo tightly and showers him with love and adoration. It would be so easy to fall in love with Minhyuk, he knows. Minhyuk is the sunshine that flowers bloom for.

Not when there’s the kind and thoughtful Changkyun whose maturity speaks volumes over men twice his age. Changkyun has sad eyes and a sad past but he’s probably the strongest out of the seven of them and Hyunwoo admires him for that. Hyunwoo watches him grow out of his shell with pride and a part of him wonders when he’ll be able to do the same.

Not when there’s the ethereal and well-worded Hyungwon whose straightforward manliness is hidden behind regal looks and weak limbs. Hyungwon is an unusual constant, like the sleepiness that comes after a long day, like the refreshing breeze in the summer air. Hyunwoo breathes him in and wonders if flowers will grow.

And then there’s Kihyun.

Kihyun, who is exceptionally pretty but terrifyingly fierce, all sharp angles and sharp words, is the exception. He’s the exception to a lot of things, really.

If there is one thing Hyunwoo knows for sure coming out of No.Mercy, it is that he and Kihyun will never fall in love. He remembers thinking when the judges said they could have done something great, that they were wrong. Nothing can bloom between them. The flowers would lay dead in front of Kihyun’s fire.

Don’t get Hyunwoo wrong. He likes Kihyun, he really does. But Kihyun and Hyunwoo are awkward together, two puzzle pieces that don’t fit quite right. While he admires Kihyun’s incomparable vocal talent and impeccable social skills, Kihyun is still an enigma to him, a story that Hyunwoo can’t quite put together yet.

And because Hyunwoo needs to be a leader, needs to be emotionally connected with his team, needs to feel every emotion possible but the one that will kill him, he allows himself Kihyun. If the flowers will not grow anyways, it doesn’t not mean everything else should die.

It becomes easier after that.

When he allows Minhyuk to grope him and shower him with overwhelmingly intense affection or goes on coffee dates with Hyungwon. When he works out with Hoseok or lets Jooheon sleep on his shoulder. When he has late night chats with Changkyun and the shadows in the corner and beneath their eyes are dark, he reminds himself that it’s okay. That this affection and love is only the friendly, platonic kind because how can it not be? How can it be anything more when he and Kihyun, who he does not love, cannot love, will not love, do the exact same things?

And so, Hyunwoo becomes the leader with only a day’s warning and Monsta X enters the K-pop world breaking down doors and stealing hearts with their power and charisma. Even then, the first few months are rough, the members still trying to get their footing in a sea that refuses to relent. The idol industry is cruel and unforgiving and Monsta X is no exception. Their wounds still smart from No.Mercy, their relationships still fragile, held together by strings.

Changkyun still sits in the corner of the changing rooms by himself, staring blankly into space, withdrawing into a fake smile and empty eyes when anyone approaches him. Jooheon still pretends he’s tougher than he really is and cuter than he actually wants to be. Hyungwon still sleeps too long because he has no lines and no reason to think he deserves anything more. Kihyun still gets angry when things are not to his standard, not caring if his harsh words are hurtful or mean. Minhyuk still tries to burn as bright as he can even as he’s burning out. Hoseok still stays late at night and runs his voice ragged and his body sore until morning comes and they have to leave for schedules.

And Hyunwoo still holds his feelings tight to his chest and refuses to let them show. It’s a work in progress, learning to be a team and learning to let go of the past. Hyunwoo’s only good at one of those things.

But with time, they learn. They learn how to work with each other and how to live with each other and how to love each other. They learn how to face hardships together and thankfully so because they face many along the way. Time heals all wounds, they say. But in a world of fierce competition and bitter public opinion, time is a valuable resource that not everyone can afford. Monsta X is lucky enough to. And like that, on the sands of time and the ticking seconds of the clock, Monsta X become a family.

 

But time does more than just heal. It allows flowers to bloom.

 

The petals are pretty this time around, he thinks as he stares at the pale white petals in his hand. He coughs again and sighs in relief when no petals appear. He crushes the remaining petals, small and silky, in his palm before tossing them in the trash. It’s still in the early stages.

But Hyunwoo frowns, trying to think of when this could have started. How could he not notice it? How could he not know that he fell in love?

He supposes that’s the thing about falling in love with a close friend. It’s so slow and easy that you don’t even know it’s happening until it’s too late. Until you realize that you find yourself doing anything and everything just to see them smile again and again and again. Until you realize that you’d rather die than lose them. Love, Hyunwoo supposes, is like that.

Loving Kihyun, Hyunwoo thinks, is a lot like that.

There is no central point, no defining point. It just happens. And Hyunwoo only realizes it when it’s too late and he’s coughing petals into the sink at a little past 5AM while the rest of his members sleep. There’s a long day of schedules ahead of them and Hyunwoo hopes that the stylist noonas don’t chide him for the bags underneath his eyes.

_Knock knock!_ The bathroom door opens, two quick knocks the only warning. Privacy is not a privilege nor a right in a dorm of seven boys and two managers. Hyunwoo’s desensitized to the view of half- to nearly-naked men roaming around the halls of their little mess of an apartment.

Kihyun walks in, hair a mess and eyes half-closed, eyelids still stiff with sleep. He almost doesn’t notice Hyunwoo and briefly, Hyunwoo wonders if he can make a break for it before Kihyun fully wakes up. Kihyun blinks twice and looks at him. “Ah, hyung.” Luckily, Kihyun doesn’t seem to register how odd it is that Hyunwoo is awake. “Were you going to use the bathroom?”

Hyunwoo laughs nervously. “Uh, yeah. Go back to sleep, Kihyun-ah. I’ll go get you when I’m done.”

Kihyun nods and walks out of the bathroom with a yawn, rubbing at his eyes. Hyunwoo frowns a little, knowing that Kihyun has been overworking himself lately to record their new songs and to diet his way to a sexy body. It’s better that he gets some more sleep instead of losing precious time waking the others up and attempting to make a quick breakfast.

And Hyunwoo knows that while there may not be a defining point where he realized he was in love, that moment is in the small things like this that make the reasons all the more clear.

Their differences should have made them incompatible, Kihyun loud and aggressive, Hyunwoo silent and calm. Kihyun is light and fast, breaking through any obstacles that stand in his way, while Hyunwoo is slow and steady, standing strongly against the winds that bear down on him.

 

(He and Kihyun are opposites. In the places that Hyunwoo lacks, Kihyun fills in.

Hyunwoo is a shy person. He’s such a generally quiet and unobtrusive person that if it wasn’t for his broad stature and height, he would be easily missed. That’s not a good trait for an idol.

It’s not that Hyunwoo doesn’t know that. But he can’t help his personality, even as he bows his head in shame as the CEO scolds him because _Hyunwoo-ah, aren’t you supposed to be the leader? Why can’t you control your members? And why do you never talk on variety shows? Should Hoseok have been leader? Heck, even Minhyuk seems to be more of a leader than you are. Should I have these meetings with Kihyun instead? Is that what you want? Hyunwoo, if you can’t do it, then this team is going to get nowhere. They need you to step up._

Hyunwoo returns home to screaming and yelling. The usual.

“Hyung! You’re back!” Jooheon says. “Come eat dinner! Kihyun-hyung just finished cooking.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t feel like eating even though his stomach growls lowly in interest at the salty scent that lingers in the air. “It’s okay,” he lies. “I ate with the manager.”

“Okay,” Jooheon says, disappointed. Hyunwoo wants to say something more but he doesn’t know how to. Wryly, he remembers the CEO’s harsh words and feels his appetite go away once more. Instead, he retreats to his bed and lays down to stare at the bottom of Hyungwon’s bunk and to sort out his thoughts.

The rest of the world blurs around him that he doesn’t notice the knock on the door and it opening. “Hyunwoo-hyung,” Kihyun says, holding a plate of food, “I made chicken. Here, eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” he mumbles, turning away from the intruder. He doesn’t need to see Kihyun to know that the younger is upset. His stomach growls in disagreement but Hyunwoo just curls in tighter to his side. “It’s fine. Just leave it in the fridge. I’ll eat it later.” It’s out of character, he knows, but he just wants Kihyun to leave him alone.

If this had been Hyunwoo, he would have agreed, said a few words of advice, and listened. But this is Kihyun, who’s much more brave and righteous than Hyunwoo. It’s almost irritating. With surprising strength, Kihyun pulls on this pillow in his arms and turns him over so that Hyunwoo is forced to look at Kihyun.

“Leave me alone,” he repeats, putting a little force in his words and trying to pull the pillow out of Kihyun’s hands.

“No.” He looks up with wide eyes at the younger. “Look, I know we’re not close,” Kihyun hesitates, bravado dropping away, “but I know that there’s something wrong. And it’s starting to worry us.”

Hyunwoo freezes. “Do the others know?” he ventures, trying to look anywhere but Kihyun’s eyes.

Kihyun scoffs. “They’re not stupid, hyung. Oblivious, sure. Stupid, no. And you’re kind of an open book, Hyunwoo-hyung.”

“Oh,” Hyunwoo says dumbly, feeling his stomach sink. He’s just causing more problems for his group, making them worry unnecessarily over the leader that should be worrying over them. “It’s- nevermind.” It’s not easy to put into words, the thoughts he’s thinking.

“No, tell me. The kids are worried about you and if this helps, then I want to help.”

It’s silent for a moment but Kihyun is impatient and he taps his foot against the floor in a slow rhythm. “I- I-” Hyunwoo stutters, “Am I a good leader?”

“No,” Kihyun replies. Hyunwoo smiles sardonically at his answer because it feels so silly to ask since it’s so obvious. Kihyun was one of the members that had advocated for Hoseok to be leader before Hyunwoo got chosen the day before they debuted. Kihyun only tells the truth. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Huh?” he says, confused.

“No, you’re not a good leader,” Kihyun repeats. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“I just want the truth, Kihyun-ah,” Hyunwoo says tiredly. “Is that too much to ask?” The day feels like another weight on his shoulders and he just wants to sleep. He doesn’t have time for flowery words and sentiments.

Kihyun looks at him with an unreadable expression and doesn’t say anything. With a sigh, Hyunwoo pulls his pillow back and starts to turn away. “I didn’t think you’d be a good leader,” Kihyun says and Hyunwoo stops. “Leaders are supposed to do everything for their team. They’re the most charismatic. The most popular. The best with words. Everything you’re not. That’s why I wanted Hoseok-hyung to be the leader. Because I knew he could do well. Because he was what I thought a leader should be. Not you.”

“I got it. You can stop now,” Hyunwoo grumbles, shuffling back again.

“But I was wrong.” At that, Hyunwoo pauses. Kihyun does not like being wrong and he hates admitting it even more. “And I think I should apologize for that.” Hyunwoo sits up slowly and looks at Kihyun, who has his eyes averted to the ground.

Kihyun breathes in deeply and looks straight at him. “Hyunwoo-hyung, you’re a great leader. One of the best, even. At least for this group. Yes, you have your faults, but we all do. I’ve just been hard on you because I know you can do better. I didn’t realize I was making it difficult for you. I just get annoyed because you have so much potential, hyung.”

“I can’t talk well,” he reminds, slowly, an argument for the sake of an argument.

“That doesn’t matter,” Kihyun dismisses. “It just means Minhyuk and I can talk a lot during shows. And you’re funny when you do, hyung. Remember that radio show we went on together? With Park Sohyun? It made me jealous, really, on how much they adored you.”

“They liked you too,” Hyunwoo mumbles shyly.

Kihyun grins, eyes bright with amusement. “Of course they did.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t say anything more after that and Kihyun takes that as his cue to leave. “I’ll leave this in the fridge, hyung. Go eat when you’re hungry,” he says. “Oh, and hyung?” Hyunwoo grunts in acknowledgment. “If you need help with something, you can always talk to the rest of us, okay?We’re here to help you if you need it. You don’t have to be perfect on your own. You’re not supposed to be. We’re a team for a reason.”

“Thanks,” he says and the door closes shut behind Kihyun.

The next time they have a schedule, he takes Kihyun’s advice and asks Minhyuk to be the MC instead of just randomly assigning the position like they normally do since Minhyuk has expressed an interest in leading talks. Minhyuk is surprised but he glomps Hyunwoo in a hug and leaves a big kiss on his cheek that the stylist-noona has to cover with foundation. He meets Kihyun’s eyes and smiles. His heart flutters just a little.

He thinks it might be happiness.)

 

In spite of their differences, they are also too similar, as paradoxical as that is. In position, in responsibilities, in reclusive nature. They fill in spots already filled and Hyunwoo remembers how they clashed in No.Mercy.

 

(It’s a rare off day when they don’t have any pertinent schedules. Hyunwoo had a meeting in the morning but there’s nothing else to do. The hiatus has been good for them, a chance for all the members to regain the health they’ve lost after too many sleepless nights and too many muscle-straining practices.

The managers have taken Minhyuk and Changkyun to their doctor’s appointments for a check up on their healing injuries. Hoseok and Jooheon are in the studio. He checked in on them before he left the company. Hoseok had told him Kihyun would probably be coming in later to record the demo vocals for the new song he’s working on. Hyunwoo doesn’t expect anyone to be home, except maybe Hyungwon, who has probably taken the day off to sleep the day away.

Surprisingly, he passes Hyungwon on his back to the apartment, the younger headed to the internet cafe to meet Minhyuk and Changkyun after their doctor appointments. Hyunwoo rejoices internally. He has the house to himself and that’s a gift priceless in value, especially for a member of an idol group who is always surrounded by people.

Hyunwoo’s in the middle of watching a rerun of an episode of a drama that he’s never heard of when the bedroom door opens. Kihyun steps out, sleep-mussed and only wearing a long white shirt that goes down all the way to his thighs.

They meet eyes and Kihyun pauses, confused. “Hyunwoo-hyung?”

“Oh, Kihyun. I didn’t know you were still here,” Hyunwoo says, defeated. It looks like he doesn’t have the house to himself today either.  “Hoseok said you were going to record some vocals for him later?” he asks, trying to hide the hopeful tone to his voice. He really just needs some peace and quiet after the past few days, heck past few months.

Kihyun furrows his eyebrows. “Did he say that? Cause I was planning to stay at home since we have no schedules.”

“Oh yeah, me too,” Hyunwoo says, laughing awkwardly. An uncomfortable silence settles between them before Kihyun leaves to put on pants. Hyunwoo groans because how could he forget that Kihyun is a homebody? Despite his social personality, Kihyun is the member aside from Hyunwoo that likes staying home the most. He smiles wryly. They would never leave the house if it was just the two of them.

He’s playing Candy Crush, stretched out on the couch when Kihyun nudges his feet over so that he can sit. He folds his knees in so that Kihyun has space and they sit together as Kihyun watches the drama on TV and Hyunwoo crushes candy on their shared iPad. It’s quiet but oddly, Hyunwoo finds it comfortable.

Without warning, his stomach growls and he flushes in embarrassment. He gets up and searches for something to quickly throw together, their budget on its last legs as it approaches the end of the month. There’s some old rice in the fridge, a few eggs, and some leftovers from the last time they ordered Chinese food.

As he’s chopping some of the vegetables that had looked pretty wilted when he found them in the bottom drawer, hidden behind a jar of kimchi, Kihyun walks into the kitchen. He’s wearing a loose sweatshirt that’s either Hyunwoo’s or Hoseok’s (Hyunwoo’s not sure anymore, ownership of clothes is a thing of the past when you live with seven young men in their 20s) and sweatpants that are probably Changkyun’s.

Hyunwoo looks over to where Kihyun is rummaging through the fridge for food before adding an extra serving of whatever hodge podge he’s making. Kihyun’s picky but this doesn’t contain fish or anything excessively smelly, so he should be okay with it.

“Kihyun-ah, I made extra. Do you want to eat with me?” Hyunwoo doesn’t know why he feels nervous when he asks but he can feel a drop of sweat form at his temple at Kihyun’s unreadable expression before Kihyun smiles slowly and nods his head in gratitude.

“Thanks, that would be nice, hyung.”

“It’s not going to be good as what you make,” he apologizes, continuing to stir fry the rice and meat together, adding soy sauce and salt for taste.

Kihyun laughs lightly. “That’s okay. I’m just glad I don’t have to cook.” There’s some rummaging sounds behind Hyunwoo, the clacks and clatter of plates and chopsticks and spoons being set. Hyunwoo dumps whatever he’s made onto a big bowl and sets it in the middle of their little dining room table. It’s only been a few weeks since they’ve moved into their new apartment but there’s already a lot of clutter, which Hyunwoo is sure must drive Kihyun crazy. Hyunwoo doesn’t mind it personally, probably contributes to it more than he would like to admit.

“Thanks for the meal,” Kihyun says, scooping the fried rice into a bowl and sniffs it lightly. He hums in approval as he eats and Hyunwoo smiles.

“Oh, that reminds me, we need to go grocery shopping soon,” he says around a spoonful of rice, mostly to himself but also to Kihyun, who acts as their unofficial cook.

“We could go today,” Kihyun says. “We don’t have any schedules.”

They look at each other for a moment. “Nah.”

“I’ll go with manager-hyung tomorrow,” Hyunwoo offers. “Just make a list for me and I’ll buy it after dance practice.”

“Okay, call.” Slowly the conversation drifts and before Hyunwoo knows it, the bowls are empty and stomachs full. It’s unsurprisingly easy to talk to Kihyun, but Hyunwoo still finds himself pleasantly surprised anyways. They talk about the new restaurants they should look at when promotions start and it’ll be too difficult to do anything but order delivery. They talk about the new songs that they’re working on and the direction of music they want to take. They talk about the new game that Kihyun is secretly practicing the days he spends at home alone so that he can beat Minhyuk but probably won’t because all Minhyuk has to do these days is play games and heal.

Almost without realizing it, Hyunwoo lets out a large yawn. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles. He had to wake up early to meet with the dance director and choreographer about adjusting formations while two members are out of commission.

Kihyun rubs his arm gently and smiles softly. “I’ll do the dishes, okay? Go take a nap, hyung. You must have been up early. How did the meeting go with Youjung-hyung?”

“It went well,” Hyunwoo yawns again, rubbing at his eyes. “Thanks, Kihyun-ah,” he mumbles. “You don’t have to.”

Kihyun tilts his head and smiles, eyes narrowing to crescents. “It’s the least I can do. The food was actually not that bad, Hyunwoo-hyung. Don’t nap too long though. You still need to practice the bridge for that new song.”

Hyunwoo snorts and smiles. “Sure thing, Kihyun-ah.” He frowns slightly. “You’re- uh- you’re going to help me, right?”

“Of course,” Kihyun says, like it’s obvious. Perhaps it is.

What Hyunwoo doesn’t know then is that it becomes a routine, as rare as it may be, that he starts looking forward to, lazy stay-at-home days with Kihyun. It becomes another thing they have in common among the many similarities that their responsibilities and positions have forced on them.

It’s comforting.)

 

Kihyun is fire, yes, and his fire should have burnt down any flowers that grew. But fire blazes bright and beautiful, a steady flame that lights the way and warms the soul. Fire clears away the old, the broken, the dead, and allows flowers to grow in its wake.

 

Somewhere along the way in the past year and half after debuting with Monsta X, Hyunwoo falls in love with Kihyun. Flowers do not grow overnight though but when the seeds were sown, Hyunwoo does not know. Yet here he is, coughing up petals during a bathroom break in the middle of practice for their comeback.

It’s their first full album. He doesn’t have time for this.

There are two ways to treat Hanahaki. The best way is to have the feelings returned, for the unrequited love to become requited. But that’s the problem with falling in love with Kihyun. Just as Hyunwoo thought he would not love Kihyun, Hyunwoo knows that Kihyun does not love him. Cannot love him. Will not love him. That, he supposes, was the fatal mistake.

He flushes the soft white petals down the toilet and washes his hands, searching for any sign of distress in the mirror. His throat aches a little but he can pass the scratchiness and the cough as remnants of the cold that passed through the members with a vengeance, not even leaving the stronger, healthier members unscathed. And since Hyunwoo shares a room with the members more prone to illness, it’s an easy excuse.

The petals are still small and the coughing still rare. The disease is only in its early stages and Hyunwoo has gotten rid of a much more developed stage before. He can do it again. Quicker and easier than before. He has to.

But Hyunwoo ran away the last time he fell in love. He can’t do that now.

Not when they’re an established group that spends every day and every hour together. Not when they still have so many things to do, so many dreams to reach. There’s no running away now, not when he owes his group everything, not when all their dreams rely on them succeeding together. Not when he’d rather die than hurt his members.

He rubs at his chest, trying to relieve the tightness before he walks back into the practice room. The others are lounging around. Minhyuk and Jooheon are wrestling in the corner, Minhyuk’s arms in a chokehold around Jooheon as Jooheon struggles to free himself. Hyunwoo should probably say something about that but this is normal, harmless fun for them so he lets it go.

Hyungwon and Changkyun are on their phones, shoulders pressed together. Kihyun is on the floor with Hoseok, massaging his shoulders that still ache from an intense workout session the day before. Something tightens in Hyunwoo’s chest and he coughs a single petal into his hand. The sound makes the rest of them turn to him and he puts on a smile to show that he’s okay, quickly shoving the petal into the pocket of his jeans. He knows what they’re thinking. It’s rare that Hyunwoo gets sick and if he does, it usually passes quickly. He doesn’t want to disappoint them. Practice starts again and he doesn’t think much about it.

Until it happens again. This time, he watches Kihyun feed Minhyuk a new recipe he’s going to attempt for his next cooking show VLive. Kihyun had explicitly refused Hyunwoo’s help, citing the fact that they’re not allowed to rent the studio kitchen anymore as reason. Hyunwoo, who has a solo schedule anyways, excuses himself to the restroom to cough a few more petals. As he leans over the sink, trying to catch his breath, he puts it together.

The flowers grow when he’s jealous. Well, not exactly. Jealous isn’t the right term because Kihyun has never been his and never will be. It makes no sense for him to be jealous over his bandmates for having something he cannot have. Because he does have Kihyun. Just not in the way he wants to.

It’s not envy either, not really. If it was, Hyunwoo would know how to control it, because he loves his bandmates more than anything else in the universe. He feels silly thinking that it could be something like envy, that such a negative emotion would cause love to grow.

Rather, it’s the reminder that his love for Kihyun is unrequited that causes the flowers to grow. The flowers feast on unrequited love and take up more and more space in Hyunwoo’s lungs. It’s the reminder that as much as Hyunwoo loves Kihyun, Kihyun does not love Hyunwoo. If he doesn’t think about it, will the flowers stop growing?

 

The closest Hyunwoo can get to running away is his solo schedules. For some reason, Korea likes him. Thinks that the shy awkward kid who never spoke has a great sense of humor. It’s awkward the first time he has his own solo schedules and he stumbles and fumbles until the other cast members take pity on him.

But he gets the hang of it, becomes good at it even. And soon he’s invited to more and more and he gets busier and busier all on his own.

It’s exhausting. Shownu is very much Hyunwoo as Hyunwoo is Shownu. But Shownu is the cool, sexy, charismatic leader of rising boy group, Monsta X. Shownu has a reputation to keep. And Hyunwoo has to live up to expectations when all he wants to do is curl up in bed with a good book and order unlimited food for delivery.

It’s also lonely. Hyunwoo finds himself staring listlessly out of the window on the commutes to schedules, expecting to hear the garbled yelling around him only to be met with dull silence that pervades and dampens the senses. But it means he’s away from Kihyun. Even if he doesn’t want to be, he has to be.

So Hyunwoo throws himself into his work, into attaining as many solo schedules as he can. This is for Monsta X, he reminds himself as he tries to doze on the way to make up a dance practice he missed by himself for a short segment he was filming. _You’re the leader_ , he reminds himself when he makes it home past midnight and everyone but Hoseok has gone to bed.

He’s not running away. He’s doing what’s best for the group and going on shows and spreading Monsta X’s name is what’s good for the group.

Even if he’s doing it alone.

 

But as Hyunwoo already knows, he can’t run away forever. His first and foremost priority is Monsta X and even with all his schedules, he can’t find it in himself to stay away for too long. Something always calls him back to them.

For their _Beautiful_ comeback, they decide to pair Hyunwoo and Kihyun together. Hyunwoo doesn’t know how to feel about it. On one hand, it might negate all the distancing he’s tried to do (it doesn’t work anyways). On the other, he likes being with Kihyun, even if it’s only to take pictures and stand intimately together in front of the cameras.

This is the other thing he finds out. When he’s with Kihyun, it feels like he can breathe again. There’s an ever present tightness that lingers in his chest now but the moment Kihyun touches him, the moment Kihyun smiles at him, warm and bright, it disappears. As Kihyun takes his breath away, he also returns it.

Maybe it’s his body’s way of remembering how he fell in love with Kihyun. It remembers the casual touches of the past, the easy way Kihyun does skinship. He’s not special, Kihyun is a touchy person. But for Hyunwoo, it’s different with Kihyun. It’s hard to explain.

Kihyun’s touch grounds Hyunwoo. As Hyunwoo learns to be a guiding hand for the clumsy Kihyun and the rest of his team, Kihyun’s touch (a firm squeeze of his arm, hands tightening around his shoulders, a gentle smoothing of the vein in his forehead, a warm back hug) is like a lighthouse that lets him navigate through the absolute uncertainty.

From this, Hyunwoo learns how to initiate skinship rather than just accept it. His hands remember the narrowness of Kihyun’s shoulders, the slimness of his waist. But the meaning changes somewhere along the way. Casual touching and fanservice becomes comfort and guidance, simple friendliness becomes intimacy. Hyunwoo falls in love with Kihyun and air becomes flowers.

It’s like an instant cure, seeing Kihyun’s smile. Right before the stage, when it feels like his throat is going to close shut and his chest muscles ache from the effort to hold in his coughs, Kihyun stands beside him and rubs his shoulder and everything clears. It’s enough to just touch his hand to get through each performance.

 

“Ah, hyung,” Changkyun says, standing next to Hyunwoo as the stylists fuss over them, wiping their sweat and fixing their ruined makeup. “Are you okay?”

Hyunwoo turns, feeling like his head’s underwater. “Yeah,” he says roughly, voice scratchy from performing. He drinks the cool water the stylist hands to him and frowns slightly when it doesn’t bring much relief. He’s forgotten how astute Changkyun is, the youngest member quick to catch on to the others’ quirks and notice their discomforts.

He doesn’t realize that Changkyun has left until he feels warm hands rub at his shoulders and the daze in his head clears. “You okay, hyung? You were zoning out pretty hard there.” Hyunwoo breathes in and huffs a small laugh, turning to look Kihyun.

“Just tired,” he says. He wipes at the sweat on his forehead and Kihyun tsks, taking the napkin from him. He notions for Hyunwoo to bend down and Hyunwoo obliges so that Kihyun can pat away the sweat without ruining the stylist’s hard work.

Kihyun’s face contorts into what looks like worry and Hyunwoo feels his heart skip a beat. “You’ve been working really hard, hyung.” Hyunwoo hums, closing his eyes a little. “Maybe you should take a break.” Hyunwoo doesn’t reply to that. Kihyun huffs at his silence. “I’m serious, Hyunwoo-hyung,” he says.

Hyunwoo cracks one eye open and smiles at Kihyun’s pout. “You know I can’t do that.” Kihyun opens his mouth to retort but Hyunwoo keeps going. “It’s okay. I know where my limits are.”

“Yeah, but-” Kihyun starts before he’s cut off by the stage manager calling for them to take their positions. “We’ll talk about this more,” he promises Hyunwoo before he runs off.

They don’t talk about it more because Hyunwoo has to leave for another schedule right after recording and Kihyun is preoccupied with fussing over Hyungwon, who has tripped and hurt his ankle. He watches the van leave with the rest of his members before he turns to take the second van to the filming site.

 

The season is starting to change and nature is finally waking up again. Hyunwoo barely steps out of the van before he’s bent over coughing his lungs out, the smooth flower petals falling through his fingers and onto the ground, blown away by the wind like the cherry blossoms on the side of the road.

His manager sneezes, so harshly and loudly that it makes Hyunwoo flinch. “Ugh, allergies. Sorry about that Hyunwoo-ah.”

“It’s okay,” he replies, throat scratchy from all the coughing. He remains tense but it doesn’t seem like the manager has noticed his coughing spell or has chosen not to mention it. He hopes it’s the former but suspects the latter. “I didn’t know you were allergic to anything. Are you okay?”

“It’s the pollen,” the manager says, sniffing and rubbing his nose that’s turning red. “Seoul usually doesn’t have that many flowers so it’s usually not this bad.”

“Oh really,” Hyunwoo murmurs. “Hyung, can you go buy some coffee? You can use my card. Stay inside for a little.”

The manager eyes Hyunwoo with surprise. “You’ll be okay if I leave you alone for a few hours?”

“I’m not a kid, hyung,” Hyunwoo complains with a smile. “It’s fine. I’ll call you before we finish.”

The older man shrugs and drives off, leaving Hyunwoo to wait for filming. He excuses himself to the restroom politely, the camera man ignoring him in favor of setting the positions. The bathroom is empty. He’s alone. It’s a small miracle.

In the bathroom, Hyunwoo coughs and coughs, hands so full of petals that they fall on the ground in a flurry of white. His chest tightens and he coughs once more, a big productive cough and spits out a flower into his hands.

It’s pale and pretty, the petals a lovely pearl color. At the edges, a faint pink color creeps in. He stuffs it in his jacket pocket and returns to set, feeling nauseous. A full flower means the disease has progressed. It’s developing much quicker this time around, but he doesn’t understand why. It had taken almost a year for Hyunwoo to cough out a full hyacinth flower. It’s only been a few months since Hyunwoo’s started coughing petals.

During a break, he pulls his phone out, restless. He almost doesn’t hear one of the older cast members call him. “Hyunwoo-ah, I think you dropped something.” The white flower lays on the ground, probably having fallen out of his pocket when he took out his phone. “A white carnation,” the man says, bending down and handing the delicate flower to Hyunwoo. The petals are a little wilted but it’s still beautiful. “I get them for my wife all the time. The red and pink ones though. Got someone waiting for you back home, son?”

Hyunwoo shakes his head blankly, not sure how to explain why he has a flower in his pocket. “Just thought it was pretty,” he mumbles. The older man chuckles and claps Hyunwoo on the back before leaving.

_Innocence and pure love_ , he reads on Naver. It’s fitting, he supposes. But like the white petals, it feels like a blank slate. A do-over. He would almost rather throw up hyacinth petals again because then at least he would know it was possible to get rid of the feelings. _Constancy_ is quick to change with the situation, an easy fix in the ever inconsistent world of an idol. He feels sick. He doesn’t know if it’s the flowers or the emotions. Maybe both.

 

Hyunwoo returns back to the dorm late, having decided to enjoy the solitude for a little longer. He closes the door behind him quietly, not wanting to wake the others up. It’s surprisingly quiet except for the soft murmuring of the television. He frowns. One of the members must have fallen asleep on the couch.

“Hey,” he says softly, carefully shaking the younger’s shoulder. “Go to bed.”

Kihyun turns, yawning. “Oh hyung, you’re back.” He rubs at his eyes before pushing himself up to a sitting position. “Did filming run late again?”

“Just a little.”

“Then you should have come home sooner. Did you eat at least?” Kihyun grouches, but it’s masked by a soft whispery tone and half-lidded eyes. Hyunwoo smiles fondly and nods.

“Were you waiting for me?” he asks, fidgeting with the sleeve of his jacket. Kihyun nods. “You shouldn’t have.”

“Wanted to,” Kihyun mumbles. “We have to, to-” he interrupts himself with a yawn. “-talk,” he finishes, rubbing at his eyes blearily.

Hyunwoo’s smile freezes in place but he keeps his voice steady, gentle. “We’ll talk tomorrow, okay? Go to sleep.”

Kihyun squints up at him, ready to argue before he deflates. “Tomorrow,” he says. “Promise?”

Hyunwoo doesn’t say anything because he knows it’s not a promise he can make. He can already feel the bad taste of a lie forming in his mouth. Kihyun sighs and looks disappointed. “Good night, hyung,” he says quietly, turning off the TV and leaving the living room. Hyunwoo is left in the dark, a sharp tightness in his chest.

 

Things settle down, as much as they can when you’re an idol group that never rests. It’s a rare off day, the music video filmed and just the finishing touches left on their dance. Their world tour is just around the corner. Hyunwoo feels the anticipation almost more than he feels the tightness in his chest. It’s a nice distraction.

The manager is out buying allergy medicine for the pollen that _just doesn’t seem to stop, hyunwoo-ah, i’m telling you_. Hyunwoo doesn’t have the heart to tell him that it’s because he’s been coughing up full flowers more and more often and throwing them out the window to hide the evidence. Perhaps he should find a better way to do that.

It’s a lazy afternoon, the kind where the sun wanders into the sky and the clouds drift by. Peaceful. But there’s an underlying thrum in Hyunwoo’s body, a restlessness that tells him to get out of bed and enjoy the day while he still has it. It’s almost noon but the others are still in bed.

Hyunwoo makes his way to the bathroom. He manages to cough up another flurry of petals and two pearl white carnations, which he unceremoniously dumps outside the window, watching them get scattered into the air by the wind. He makes his way to the living room to grab a pair of shoes and be on his way.

Kihyun’s sitting at the computer, playing a round of _Overwatch_. He doesn’t react to Hyunwoo’s presence and Hyunwoo takes it as a sign that he wants to be left alone. Hyunwoo is slipping his shoes on when Kihyun’s voice rings out. “Hyung, where are you going?”

He looks up in surprise. “Out.”

“You don’t have a schedule today, do you?” Kihyun asks, eyebrow raised.

“No, just wanted to go out for lunch,” Hyunwoo says, shaking his head.

Kihyun nods, seemingly satisfied with his answer. “Wait like half an hour. I’ll go with you,” he commands and Hyunwoo is at a loss for words.

“You don’t have to, Kihyun-ah. I can bring something back for you guys.”

“I want to, Hyunwoo-hyung,” Kihyun says. “Do you not want me to?” He smiles sharply, an unspoken threat in his eyes that silences Hyunwoo. Kihyun nods at Hyunwoo’s silence and disappears.

Sure, Hyunwoo could make a break for it. Kihyun takes a long time in the shower anyways and he could probably run to the restaurant, eat, and come back before he’s done if Kihyun is distracted enough. But he doesn’t do that. One, because Kihyun seems to be intent on something and would probably kill him with a rusty knife if he did run. And two, because a part of him wants to be with Kihyun, wants to, no needs to, have Kihyun by his side.

Hyunwoo’s scrolling past another meme of Hyungwon on Twitter when Kihyun finally returns. The younger is wearing a button down shirt and shorts, hair unstyled and face make-up free. He’s wearing his glasses, the silver rimmed round lenses that make him look like a perfect college boyfriend.

“Alright, where to?”

They’re sitting down at a fried chicken restaurant in a little booth hidden from prying eyes. They order a large basket of wings to share and two glasses of cola. It’s quiet for a moment, only the faint strains of a song playing over the radio. Their order arrives quickly and they thank the waiter quietly.

Hyunwoo listens as Kihyun talks, the shorter waving the chicken bone in his hand as he gesticulates about whatever he’s currently ranting about. He throws in a few hums and occasional questions, interested in finding out the things he’s missed while he’s away on personal schedules.

“I think Hoseok-hyung bought a new soap or something because the bathroom smells like flowers,” Kihyun complains and Hyunwoo pauses and looks up from his half-eaten chicken wing. The sauce is sticky on his fingers.

“Flowers?” he repeats.

Kihyun nods affirmatively. “It’s a really floral scent and it’s really strong. Like if there were actual flowers in the bathroom.”

“Maybe there are,” Hyunwoo jokes, feeling his heart race in his chest. “Probably why manager-hyung keeps sniffling.”

Kihyun laughs. “Maybe. Manager-hyung’s gone through almost an entire packet of allergy medicine. Poor manager-hyung.”

“Hopefully it gets better soon.”

“Yeah,” Kihyun agrees. “But the weather _is_ really nice. And I really want to watch the flowers bloom. It’s so pretty. Kind of makes me want to take pictures of them.”

“Why don’t you?” Hyunwoo asks. “We have some time now.”

Kihyun smiles. “It’s okay, hyung. We have all the time in the world. The flowers will bloom again next year. And the year after that. I can wait.”

There’s a tickle in Hyunwoo’s throat and the effort it takes to hold in the cough makes his eyes water. “Don’t wait if you don’t have to,” he says roughly, trying to keep his voice stable.

Kihyun looks at him in concern. “Should we get going, hyung?” he asks, reaching a hand out for Hyunwoo’s.

Hyunwoo shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he says with a small smile. “Just a little cough.”

“If you say so,” Kihyun says, a look of doubt crossing his face. “Oh, that reminds me-”

“Should we order a set for the others? They’ll probably be hungry too.” Hyunwoo changes the subject, breaking eye contact with Kihyun to open up their group message. The answers to his _chicken?_ message are distracting enough. “We should get going before the others get too hungry.”

There’s an unreadable expression on Kihyun’s face as he stares at Hyunwoo. Without another word, Kihyun calls the waiter over to order another set to go and to ask for the check. Hyunwoo foots the bill because the guilt of avoiding what needs to be said weighs heavy on his mind.

They move to the waiting area and sit on the small bench, their thighs pressed together. Kihyun rests his head on Hyunwoo’s shoulder and hums a soft song as they wait. Hyunwoo stands up abruptly when he feels the coming of a harsh cough, startling Kihyun. It surprises Hyunwoo too because he normally doesn’t feel the need to throw up flowers when he’s with Kihyun.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” he says quickly in explanation.

“Don’t take too long,” Kihyun teases, shoulders untensing just the slightest.

Hyunwoo lets out a short laugh. “I won’t,” he promises.

He barely makes it to a stall and closes the door behind him before he’s on his knees coughing up petals. His eyes water as he gasps, trying to catch his breath. His vision is blurry but it doesn’t stop him from noticing the spectacular dichotomy of the pale pink petals laying innocently on the linoleum tiles.

Pale pink. When did the petals change color? He picks one off the floor to examine. The petal is a pearl pink, just a shade off from pearl white that if Hyunwoo hadn’t been looking at it on a squeaky clean white floor, the color difference would have almost not been noticeable. He pockets the petal and flushes the rest down the toilet with a sigh.

Something is going on. Hyunwoo just doesn’t know what.

“Hyung!” a voice calls out as he’s washing his hands. His face is a little pale and eyes a little red but it’s not something particularly noticeable. Kihyun stands just outside the bathroom with two bags in his hands.

“Coming!” he calls back, quickly splashing his face with water and drying it.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t take long,” Kihyun says, bumping his hip against Hyunwoo’s.

Hyunwoo looks down at his watch. “Yah, I only took five minutes.” He reaches for one of the bags, which Kihyun hands over easily. They walk back home, a quiet contentment settled over them. It’s nice.

They’re putting taking the boxes of chicken out of the bags and putting them on the kitchen counter when Kihyun steps closer to Hyunwoo and sniffs his neck. Hyunwoo freezes, eyeing Kihyun with wary apprehension. “What was that for?” he asks, curious.

Kihyun shrugs. “Did you change your cologne, hyung? You smell different.”

“How so?”

“You smell like flowers.”

 

Hyunwoo gets caught on the second to last stop of the American branch of their tour.

The flowers he’s coughing up are becoming pinker and pinker, the hue infusing into the petals like tea soaking in hot water. He tracks the petals and notes how the color gradually changes from pearl pink to pale baby pink. In Dallas, the flowers are completely devoid of white, matching the vibrant pink of the suits their stylists made them wear for _Shine Forever_ promotions. He suspects that the color will only get darker and darker until he manages to get rid of his feelings for Kihyun.

He’s just finished FaceTiming Hyungwon to make sure the younger is taking care of his health. Hyungwon’s disappointment is obvious even through the small phone screen. All Hyunwoo can do is nag and pester for him to be careful and be compliant with what the doctors ask him to do.

“Was that Hyungwon?” his roommates asks, stepping out from the shower, dark hair wet and clinging to his face.

“Yeah,” Hyunwoo says, collecting his stuff. “The doctor said he’d be okay to travel soon. Might be able to make it to LA. He’s getting anxious by himself.”

“He needs to hurry and get better.”

“You know, you can call him if you want,” Hyunwoo mentions offhandedly as he opens the bathroom door. The hot air bellows out around him, the mirror fogged with steam. Maybe Kihyun- He barely hears the other’s answer before his throat tightens and he coughs roughly. The petals fall to the wet floor, floating on the small puddles and Hyunwoo kneels next to the toilet and coughs and coughs and coughs until the flowers stop coming out of his mouth.

He’s heaving heavily, trying to catch his breath when he hears something drop to the floor. Hyunwoo turns bleary eyes, wet with exhaustion, and sees Hoseok standing there. “Hyunwoo, what…?”

Hyunwoo stares up at Hoseok and wills the other away, chest filling with something that feels like fear. No, it’s not fear. It’s guilt. It wraps around Hyunwoo like a vine and chokes him and Hyunwoo spits out another flower into his hands covering his mouth. He looks down. The flower is an almost reddish-pink, like the hues in a sunset.

“Hyunwoo-ah, what’s going on?” Hoseok asks, voice wobbly. He’s still standing at the entrance of the bathroom, Hyunwoo having forgotten to shut the door during his coughing fit.

“It’s nothing,” Hyunwoo tries, voice rough. He winces at the obvious lie but he’s so dizzy and he can’t think straight, too many thoughts racing in his mind.

“It’s _not_ nothing!” Hoseok yells, voice cracking like it always does when the younger male gets worked up. “You’re throwing up flowers and, and-”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” Hoseok says, eyes still flashing with panic but voice now steeled with resolve. He kneels down next to Hyunwoo and grabs him, forcing the taller to look at him. “Hyunwoo, you have to tell me what’s going on so I can help. Please,” he begs, hands tightening around Hyunwoo’s arms.

Hyunwoo hesitates. “I’ll tell you later.” Hoseok grabs him tighter, making Hyunwoo wince. “Let me finish showering first. I’ll tell you everything.”

Hoseok lets go of him reluctantly and helps Hyunwoo up from the floor. “Don’t think you’re going to get out of this,” he warns but leaves the bathroom anyways. Hyunwoo sighs, looking down at his hands. What is he going to do now?

True to word, Hoseok is waiting on his bed, looking at something on his phone. He looks up when Hyunwoo steps out, freshly showered and changed into sleeping shorts and a hoodie. “Well?” he says.

“Do you know what _Hanahaki_ disease is?” Hyunwoo asks, tiredness seeping through his voice. He slips under the covers, but sits upright, sleep far out of reach.

“I’ve heard of it,” Hoseok answers, tone guarded and unsure. It almost sounds like he’s pleading for something. “Why do you ask?”

“You asked what’s going on. That’s it.”

“You- you have _Hanahaki_?” Hoseok says in disbelief.

“I have _Hanahaki_ disease,” Hyunwoo confirms. There should be relief as he says this, as he comes to terms with it, but Hyunwoo doesn’t feel it. Only feels the weight of guilt and regret. He sighs, laying back down and turning to look at Hoseok.

Hoseok is silent for a moment, face scrunched like he’s trying to process this information. Hyunwoo almost forgets that they’re still having a conversation when Hoseok whispers quietly, “Who is it?”

“Who’s who?” Hyunwoo knows what Hoseok is asking but this secret isn’t something that can just be said. Not when it could ruin everything they’ve worked so hard for these past two years.

“Who’s the person you’re in love with? It’s not me, is it?” Hyunwoo laughs and Hoseok pouts. “Hey, don’t laugh.”

“No, it’s not you,” Hyunwoo chuckles. “Don’t worry about that. I wouldn’t fall in love with you.”

“You know,” Hoseok says dryly, “I don’t know if I should be relieved or offended.”

“Do you want me to fall in love with you?” Hyunwoo asks, eyebrow raised.

“No!” Hoseok yelps, sending Hyunwoo into a fit of laughter. “Forget I even asked.”

It settles down after this and Hoseok doesn’t pry any further. Hyunwoo is grateful for Hoseok’s empathy, knows that Hoseok probably senses his discomfort with the question.

The lights are out and Hyunwoo is almost about to drift away when Hoseok’s voice brings him back. “Hey, Hyunwoo?” Hyunwoo grunts in response, eyelids heavy with sleep. “It’s not Minhyuk, is it? The person you’re in love with,” Hoseok clarifies.

Hyunwoo’s eyes widen, precious sleep ripped away from him. “No, it’s not. Why do you-?”

“I don't know. You just have this look around him. Like you’re happy that he’s here with you.”

“I have that look with everyone,” Hyunwoo points out shortly. He’s not sure what Hoseok sees. His face just automatically brightens and his smile naturally drips fondness when he’s with his members. “I’m always happy when you guys are with me.”

“I guess that’s true,” Hoseok says. It’s quiet for a few moments and Hyunwoo almost falls asleep when Hoseok whispers again. “Hey, Hyunwoo-ah.”

“Yes?”

“What happens if the person you like doesn’t love you back?” There’s something contemplative to Hoseok’s tone, even through the soft whispery voice he uses.

“They don’t love me back,” Hyunwoo reminds. “ _Hanahaki_ is a disease of unrequited love.”

Hoseok protests. “That’s not true! They could love you back, you just think they don’t.”

“I know they don’t love me back,” Hyunwoo says, smiling self-deprecatingly. “That’s why I’m working on getting rid of the feelings.”

“And what if you can’t? Hyunwoo, that was a lot of flowers. I’m worried.”

Hyunwoo hums. Getting rid of the flowers has always been the only option. He knows the consequences if he can’t. “I’ll have to leave the group,” he says. It should feel nonchalant but his heart breaks at the thought.

“You can’t!” Hoseok protests, sitting up. “This is your dream. This is _our_ dream. How could you give it up? Is there any other option?”

“If I can’t get rid of the flowers on my own, there’s only two ways out, Hoseok-ah,” Hyunwoo says calmly, feeling a strange detachment. “I don’t think you’d like either of them.”

“What are they?” Hoseok asks, tinges of hysteria coloring his voice.

“Surgery or death.”

“You’d do the surgery though, right?” Hoseok asks, scared like he doesn’t want to know the truth.

Hyunwoo hums and thinks it over. Surgery is curative. But surgery also means he’d lose all feeling, all emotions. He would never feel happiness or sadness or love again. Just numbness. “I don’t know. The surgery takes away everything. I’d just be empty. I don’t think that would be a life I would want to live.”

“No!” Hoseok shouts, voice rough, startling Hyunwoo. There’s a rustling of sheets and before Hyunwoo knows it, Hoseok is standing over him, eyes wide with tears that glisten even in the dark. “No, those can’t be the only options. Tell me there’s another one. Please, Hyunwoo,” Hoseok begs. “Please.”

“It’ll be okay, Hoseok-ah,” Hyunwoo says soothingly, reaching a hand to grab Hoseok’s.

“You can’t say that, Hyunwoo,” Hoseok says, voice shaking. “Not when you’re telling me you’re going to leave us. Not when you’re telling me you might die.”

“I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“But for how much longer?” Hoseok sniffles.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” Hyunwoo rubs a thumb over Hoseok’s hands until Hoseok starts to untense.

“How can I not worry? Hyunwoo-ah, this isn’t something that you can just let go. This isn’t right.”

Hyunwoo answers simply. “I’m sorry for worrying you, Hoseok. I’m trying my best, I really am.” It’s not something he would expect Hoseok to take lightly but there’s no other words to be said. At the end of the day, Hyunwoo is still in love and is still coughing up flowers. There’s not much he can do about it.

“Can- can I sleep with you?” Hoseok asks, voice thick. It’s not an unusual request. The members share beds all the time, when the stress becomes too much and the nightmares loom behind closed eyelids. Hyunwoo silently rearranges himself so that Hoseok can slide under the sheets. The queen sized bed is large enough for two men of their stature, but is small enough that Hyunwoo can see every feature on Hoseok’s face.

Quietly, he wipes the tears that spill from Hoseok’s eyes with one hand. “Please don’t tell the others,” he requests. “I don’t want to worry them.”

Hoseok looks stricken but he nods slowly and Hyunwoo smiles gratefully. Hoseok’s arm finds itself around Hyunwoo’s waist and he rubs the small of his back in gentle circles. Hyunwoo feels his eyelids shutting, the emotional stress of the day finally dissipating into exhaustion.

“Just- just promise me something, Hyunwoo,” Hoseok whispers.

Hyunwoo opens one eye. “What is it?”

“Promise me,” Hoseok says, “that you’ll stay with us as long as you can. No matter what happens. That you won’t go anywhere that we can’t follow for a long time.”

“I promise,” Hyunwoo says. “I’m not going anywhere.”


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, it's too late...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: Check out I.M's 'Fly With Me' mixtape single if you haven't yet.
> 
> Now, on to the story.

True to his word, Hoseok doesn’t tell anyone. Hyunwoo can see it in his eyes that he wants to and on days when the coughing spells get really bad, he wonders if he should absolve Hoseok from his promise. It’s almost a wonder that the others have not caught on but Hyunwoo suspects that some of them know more than they let on and just don’t know how to approach him.

Changkyun watches him with careful eyes when they’re roommates in Taiwan and climbs into his bed at night, hugging Hyunwoo like he’s a giant teddy bear. Hyungwon invites him to explore the cities they visit, providing a distraction and an excuse from following Kihyun around. They must know. The guilt lingers and Hyunwoo wonders how much longer he can keep hiding this secret.

Hyunwoo manages to finish their world tour with no major problems. The flowers blooming in his lungs bow down to the thrum of energy that performing their concerts give him. Fulfilling a once impossible dream is a euphoria that overpowers everything.

But Monsta X cannot tour forever. Their world tour ends with a bang, with a crowd of thousands screaming their names in a language he does not understand. And then it’s back to work.

There’s no time for resting. That’s just how it is. Every member feels it, the incessant thrum to get back to promoting, to seeing their fans, to doing _something_.

Exhaustion settles in Hyunwoo’s bones, limbs heavy but head light. He doesn’t know if it’s the stress of preparing for a comeback or the flowers that bloom in his lungs, the carnations now a light red. It’s getting harder to keep up during practices even though he tries not to let it show. Hoseok watches him out of the corner of his eye and forces them to take breaks when he catches Hyunwoo stumbling.

“Hyunwoo, are you okay?”

Hyunwoo wipes the sweat from his forehead. “I’m okay.”

“Is it- is it getting better?” Hoseok asks hesitantly. Hyunwoo shakes his head and Hoseok’s expression falls. “Maybe you should sit out this round of promotions,” he suggests, eyes filled with worry. They’re sitting off to the side, the others playing a game on the middle of the floor.

“I’m not going to do that,” Hyunwoo says firmly. “I’m fine. Just a little tired, that’s all.” He takes a swig from his water bottle and turns his head, signaling the end of the conversation.

Hoseok steps back. “If you say so,” he says quietly. He leaves Hyunwoo to his thoughts only for them to be disrupted by another presence at his side.

Wordlessly, he hands the water bottle to Kihyun, who accepts it with a grateful sigh. He hands the remainder back to Hyunwoo, who finishes it off and sets it on the floor. “Hyung, you would tell me if something is going on, right?” Kihyun says in a conversational tone, not even looking at him but instead at the others playing around.

“You know I would,” Hyunwoo replies, voice laced with confusion. It’s an odd topic, one that Kihyun is not normally prone to discussing.

“Is- is-” he hesitates, “there something going on between you and Hoseok-hyung?”

Hyunwoo stares at him. Blinks once, twice, thrice. He bursts out laughing, the force of his laughs sending him bowing forwards and clutching his stomach. It’s so loud the others momentarily stop messing around to look at him before going back to ignoring his little corner of the room in favor of more exciting things. He barely manages to stop laughing, eyes teary with mirth.

“Do you really think Hoseok and I are a thing?” he asks, letting out a few stray chuckles.

“Don’t laugh,” Kihyun warns, light pink rising on his cheeks. “I just wanted to make sure!”

“We’re not,” he informs the younger, lips still trying to twitch into a gleeful smile.

“That’s good,” Kihyun says with a sigh.

That perks Hyunwoo’s interest and he looks curiously over at Kihyun. “What do you mean by that?”

“Just-” Kihyun looks flustered. “Just thought it would be hard if you guys were dating.” Hyunwoo raises an eyebrow and Kihyun rushes to correct himself. “I mean, we’re in the same group and what would happen if you guys broke up or what if the media found out-”

“I guess you’re right,” Hyunwoo says, cracking a small smile. The tightness in his chest spreads up to his throat and he can’t breathe. “You don’t have to worry about that though. Hoseok and I are just friends.”

Kihyun looks panicked, like he’s said some faux pas that he needs to fix. He reaches a hand out towards Hyunwoo but drops it to his side before they can make contact. “No, I misspoke, hyung. If you were dating someone, you know I would support you, in the group or not. I just-”

“It’s okay,” Hyunwoo says firmly, cutting Kihyun off in the middle of his rambling. He doesn’t need to hear anymore because all it sounds like is _no, i don’t love you_ and _we’d never work out_. “I have to go to the bathroom,” he excuses himself, standing up and leaving Kihyun alone.

Alone in a bathroom stall in Starship, he coughs up bright red flowers and wonders if that’s his heart breaking.

 

Love does not care about who you are or who you want to be. It takes and takes until there’s nothing left of you to give. But here’s the thing about love: you let it.

 

Hyunwoo collapses in the middle of practice. He doesn’t feel it coming. The world slips out from under his feet and he falls.

The last thing he remembers is screaming ( _Why are they so loud_ , he thinks, _I’m okay_ ) and a small, pale hand reaching out for him before his vision goes black and then complete and utter silence.

 

When he comes to, the room is hazy and he feels numb. So very numb like a fog has been set over everything. The first thing that breaks through the haze is panic. Why does he feel so numb? Did they find out? Did they do the surgery? He can’t think clearly, thoughts whirling in a frenzy.

Without meaning to, he thinks of Kihyun and the sharp pain that pierces his chest makes him gasp for breath, gripping his shirt as the fog surrounding him is ripped away.

It’s still there. Love, that is.

“Hyung!” Kihyun cries out, grabbing Hyunwoo’s hand as he inhales heavily, chest heaving with effort. Immediately, the pain goes away, soothed by Kihyun’s touch. Hyunwoo coughs lightly to clear his throat and sighs in relief when he doesn’t see petals.

“Oh, Kihyun-ah. What happened?” His voice is hoarse and scratchy. He winces at the sound. It won’t be good for his singing.

“What happened?” Kihyun repeats, eyes lighting in outrage. “What happened?!? You passed out during practice, that’s what happened! Do you know how worried I wa- we were?”

Hyunwoo looks around. He’s laying on a small cot that Hoseok keeps in his studio when he plans to stay late at night. A warm fleece blanket has been wrapped around him. He swings his legs over and tries to stand up but the dizziness and Kihyun’s hands keep him in place.

“Don’t move, Hyunwoo-hyung,” Kihyun orders. “The others will be back soon.”

“Where are they?” Hyunwoo asks.

“They went to get the manager. Hoseok-hyung said not to call the ambulance.”

Hyunwoo nods along to Kihyun’s words and silently thanks Hoseok in his head. “How long was I out?”

“Just a few minutes. Hoseok-hyung managed to catch you before you hit your head. But you were out long enough for us to carry you up here.”

“Sorry, I must have been heavy,” he apologizes, trying to make light of the situation. Kihyun doesn’t laugh.

He stares at Hyunwoo with a piercing gaze, like he’s trying to read Hyunwoo’s mind. Kihyun sighs when Hyunwoo doesn’t say anything. “Hyunwoo-hyung, why did you faint? Do you know?”

Hyunwoo doesn’t answer. He’s not sure. He has his suspicions but he can’t figure out why the flowers in his lungs would cause him to pass out, especially when there had been none of the usual symptoms of an attack. “I’m not sure,” he says slowly.

“Is it your schedules? Have you been getting enough sleep?”

“I have,” Hyunwoo dismisses, omitting the part where he wakes up at night sometimes to choke out flowers into the toilet. And his schedules are fine. It’s nothing he can’t handle. “And they’re fine.”

“Then why did you collapse?” Kihyun explodes. He grabs Hyunwoo by the shoulders and stares at him. Up close, Hyunwoo can see the fear and worry in his eyes. “Please, just tell me.”

Hyunwoo wraps his hands around Kihyun’s and pulls them slowly off his shoulder, not letting go as he does so. He rubs his thumbs gently over the back of Kihyun’s hands and Kihyun deflates. “I’m sorry, Kihyun-ah,” he says. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“I was so scared, hyung.”

“I know,” Hyunwoo says, voice soft. “And I’m sorry.” He wonders if Kihyun sees the other meaning behind his apology.

It’s quiet for a moment, their breathing in sync. “Why-” Kihyun hesitates, hands tightening around Hyunwoo’s, “Why did Hoseok-hyung tell us not to call the ambulance?” He looks at Hyunwoo anxiously and Hyunwoo smiles a small sad smile. “What does he know that I- we don’t?”

“Nothing much really,” Hyunwoo shrugs. Hoseok only knows that Hyunwoo has _Hanahaki_. He doesn’t know that the flowers are changing colors or of the toll it’s starting to take on Hyunwoo’s mind and body. Hyunwoo has hidden it well, surprisingly, for someone inept at lying. “I think he knew it wasn’t that bad.”

“You collapsed, Hyunwoo-hyung,” Kihyun deadpans, pulling his hands away.

“But I’m okay now,” Hyunwoo reminds. There’s a chattering sound outside of the studio, signaling the others’ return. He stands up and this time the world doesn’t tilt around him and everything remains clear. Kihyun follows next to him, a warm hand on his back, like he’s afraid Hyunwoo will fly away, grounding him.

“HYUNG!” Minhyuk cries, throwing himself at Hyunwoo when he opens the door. Hyunwoo stumbles and the only thing that stops him from falling backwards is the firm pressure from Kihyun’s hand keeping him upright. Kihyun lets go and Hyunwoo focuses his attention on the dark navy blue head of hair in front of him. “I was so scared. Are you okay?”

Hyunwoo smiles down fondly at Minhyuk who’s buried his face in Hyunwoo’s chest. He pats Minhyuk’s back gently. “I’m okay. Sorry for scaring you.”

“Don’t do it again,” Minhyuk warns playfully, but with an underlying seriousness to his tone. He hugs Hyunwoo tighter and Hyunwoo winces.

“Alright, that’s enough,” Kihyun says, irritated. He holds a hand out to push Minhyuk away. “Hyunwoo-hyung’s still tired.”

Minhyuk pouts and looks up at Hyunwoo with pleading eyes. Hyunwoo chuckles. “It’s okay, Kihyun-ah. I’m feeling better now.” Minhyuk sticks his tongue out and Hyunwoo has to sidestep and block Kihyun with his shoulder so they don’t fight.

He almost doesn’t notice the others stepping into the room until he hears Changkyun’s soft voice. “Hyung, manager-hyung is bringing the van out front. You should go to the hospital and get checked.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t argue. He knows something is wrong and it would be foolish to pretend that there isn’t. The doctors can’t fix him, he knows that, but they might have another solution, even if it is a temporary one. They might have some insight that can’t be found with a quick Naver search.

Carefully, with his members by his side, Kihyun holding his shoulder on one side and Hoseok on the other in case he falls, he makes his way down the Starship building and to the lobby. He pulls out of their holds and turns back to them. “Go back to practice,” he orders them when they’re near the door. “I’ll go by myself.” Before any protests can be vocalized, Hyunwoo cuts them off. “Hoseok, you’re in charge. I’ll be back soon.”

“But hyung-” Kihyun says, reaching out for Hyunwoo.

“We don’t have time, Kihyun,” Hyunwoo reminds the younger slowly. Hyunwoo’s right, there is no time. They’re giving up a lot to squeeze in this comeback at the end of the year, shortening their Chuseok break and putting in extra hours to finish preparing as quickly as possible.

Hoseok pulls Kihyun back and nods to Hyunwoo. “Let us know if anything happens,” he says. Hyunwoo nods. Hoseok flashes him a sad smile before turning and gathering the others to go back up to their practice room.

Hyunwoo watches them go. He turns around to leave, quietly coughing into his hand and depositing the red carnation into his jacket pocket.

 

“Do you have any questions for me, Hyunwoo-shi?” the doctor asks, pushing up her glasses to look at him. He shakes his head. “Okay, here’s your prescription. Remember to take it an hour or two before you’re with the person you’re in love with. As I said, it’ll help slow the growth of flowers, but there are some side effects, so only take as needed. Two pills orally,” she instructs, handing him a slip of paper with the prescription typed up and the doctor’s signature at the bottom.

“Thank you, Doctor.” Hyunwoo bows politely.

“It’s a difficult disease, _Hanahaki_ ,” the doctor comments, standing up. “I do hope everything works well, Hyunwoo-shi. When you’re ready, you can go to the front to be discharged. I’m rooting for you, Hyunwoo-shi. Fighting.” The doctor leaves with a _swoosh!_ of her white coat, the door shutting behind her.

Hyunwoo fiddles with the pill bottle in his pocket as he enters the dorm. It’s empty, the others still at practice. They should be back soon. Slowly, he walks to the kitchen to get a glass of water to take the two pills. He swallows it with a grimace and goes to rest in his bed while he waits for his members. Before he knows it, sleep pulls him under.

He wakes up to the sound of the bedroom door opening. “Hyunwoo-ah! You’re back. What did the doctor say?” Hoseok asks, kneeling down next to Hyunwoo’s bed.

Hyunwoo blinks sleepily at Hoseok, dazed. “Um… she gave me some pills,” he mumbles. “Said they would help with the feelings.”

“Are they helping?” Hoseok asks in a hushed voice.

“I- I don’t know. I only took two. I’m just really tired.”

Hoseok hums in sympathy. “Kihyun’s making dinner right now. I’ll wake you up when it’s ready.” Hyunwoo thanks him and turns his head back, resting his head on his pillow. His eyes slip shut, the exhaustion of the day lingering on every crevice of his body.

“Hyunwoo-hyung, wake up,” a soft voice says.

“Huh? Hyungwon-ah?”

“Go eat, hyung,” Hyungwon says, sitting on the edge of Hyunwoo’s bed. “Kihyun stress cooked so he made a lot. He’s still cooking,” he complains, with a roll of his eyes.

Hyunwoo walks out, sleep still hanging on to his eyelids, making them heavy. It takes a couple of bites and the blur of conversation around him before Hyunwoo realizes what’s happening.

The medicine helps with the feelings because it numbs them. It’s like a fog has been settled over Hyunwoo. He can’t even feel enough to feel horror. He just is.

Something must show on his face, even through the strange blankness he feels, because Jooheon looks at him with a worried gaze and asks, “Hyunwoo-hyung, are you feeling okay?”

Truthfully, Hyunwoo doesn’t know. “Yeah,” he replies. He finishes his bowl and stands up. “I’m going back to sleep.” Something flashes through his members’ faces but Hyunwoo can’t pull up the emotion enough to care. “Good night,” he says roughly, leaving the living room in silence.

He barely makes it to his bed when the door opens, revealing Kihyun. For the first time that day, Hyunwoo realizes why the dosage for the medicine is so strong. It’s the first time since taking the pills that he feels something other than sleepiness and apathy.

Through the haze, love still shines bright.

“Kihyun-ah,” he says, waiting for the younger to respond. The unspoken question lingers in the air. Kihyun ignores it, making Hyunwoo smile wryly.

“What did the doctor say?” Kihyun looks cute like this, in a loose sweater that covers his hands and sweatpants that Hyunwoo’s pretty sure are his, judging by the way they pool loosely around Kihyun’s ankles. He’s barefoot and his hair is held back by a wide headband, like the ones he uses during his cleansing routine at night.

“Said I just needed to wait it out. There’s not much they can do,” Hyunwoo replies. It’s not a lie, the doctor did say that. “But they gave me some pills so hopefully that helps.”

Kihyun sighs in relief. “That’s good. Anything else?”

Hyunwoo hums. There’s a lot of things that the doctor had told him but nothing really important to share. At least, not to Kihyun. “Not really.”

“We missed you at practice today,” Kihyun ventures, stepping closer until he’s right in front of Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo shifts, making room for Kihyun to sit next to him on the bed. “It’s not the same when Hoseok-hyung leads.”

“I’m sure he did fine,” Hyunwoo chuckles.

Kihyun smiles softly, playing with Hyunwoo’s arm as he talks. “Yeah, but it’s not the same. You need to get better quickly, hyung.”

Hyunwoo laughs softly, patting Kihyun’s hand on his arm gently. Something stirs in his gut but he reminds himself not to think about it. _Don’t give yourself false hope, Hyunwoo-shi. The flowers still grow even if you can’t feel the pain. The flowers create that feeling of euphoria and feed off the hope,_ the doctor had said _._  “I’m okay. Really.” He yawns, feeling the fogginess setting in.

“I’ll let you sleep, Hyunwoo-hyung,” Kihyun says. “Take care. Sleep well.”

“Good night, Kihyun-ah.”

“Good night, hyung.”

 

In the idol world, secrets are not meant to kept. Everything must be revealed, one way or the other.

 

Changkyun approaches him while Hyunwoo’s in the practice room, finishing some last minute choreography changes. He slips in and sits quietly in the back, waiting for Hyunwoo to finish. Hyunwoo almost doesn’t notice him until the music stops and he sees their youngest member watching him with dark eyes.

“Changkyun-ah,” he greets, out of breath. “What’s up?”

“Are you almost done, hyung?” Changkyun says quietly, voice soft.

Hyunwoo looks at him, trying to decipher his thoughts but Changkyun is almost as good as he is at keeping a blank mask on his face.

“Almost,” Hyunwoo confirms. “Did you want to talk about something?”

The boy nods. “I’ll wait.”

Hyunwoo stares at him for another moment then turns the music on for one more one through. By the end, he’s satisfied enough to call it a night. When he turns around, Changkyun is sitting quietly on the bench, head tilted back against the window.

“What did you want to talk about?” he says, taking a swig from his water bottle. He’s sweaty and it’s still hard to catch his breath with flowers growing inside his lungs.

Changkyun doesn’t look at him but talks to the ceiling instead. “Hyung, when were you going to tell us,” Changkyun says, finally lifting his head to look directly at Hyunwoo, “that you had _Hanahaki_ disease?”

The water bottle drops to the ground and splatters. Changkyun looks down, disinterested, then looks back up to Hyunwoo. He doesn’t say anything more, simply waits for Hyunwoo to say something.

“How did you know?” Hyunwoo croaks out, the shock stuck on his face. There’s no point in lying or denying. Changkyun, despite his oddness, is much smarter than any of them can imagine.

“The pill bottle you got had the prescription on it. I looked up what it was for.”

“Do the others know?” Hyunwoo asks, hesitantly. He should have been more careful.

Changkyun shrugs, staring down at his shoes. “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t think so.” He turns back dark eyes onto Hyunwoo. “But they’ll find out eventually, hyung.”

Hyunwoo sighs and runs a hand through his hair, partially in frustration, partially in guilt. “I know. I’m sorry, Changkyun-ah. I didn’t want to worry you guys.”

“We were worried anyways,” Changkyun dismisses. “You’re our leader, hyung. We always worry about you.”

He can’t help but chuckle fondly at Changkyun’s sincerity. “Thank you, Changkyun-ah.” He walks over and ruffles Changkyun’s hair, the younger letting out a small whine. “I’ll do better from now on.”

Changkyun shakes his head and grabs Hyunwoo’s arm, pulling him down to sit. “You don’t have to, hyung. Just-” Changkyun hesitates, looking away. “Are you okay, Hyunwoo-hyung?”

“Mm,” Hyunwoo hums, smiling at Changkyun’s earnestness. “I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? Is the medicine helping?”

Hyunwoo nods. “It is, but I can’t take it too often because it makes me really tired.” _And emotionally numb_ , he includes in his head.

Changkyun looks at him with an unreadable gaze then nods slightly, like he’s confirming something to himself. “If you say so. I won’t ask,” he says, leaning the back of his head against Hyunwoo’s arm, “who you’re in love with.” He holds a hand up in front him and turns it slowly before turning back to look at Hyunwoo. “But I do wonder.”

“Hmm?”

“Have you thought about confessing? If the person you like loves you back, wouldn’t that solve everything?”

“It’s a disease of unrequited love, Changkyun-ah,” Hyunwoo reminds softly, bringing a hand to thread through Changkyun’s hair. Changkyun sighs and scoots in closer to Hyunwoo.

“But even if you confess and they reject you, it could help you move on,” Changkyun argues. “Would you rather not confess and live with that regret?”

“I get that, Changkyun,” Hyunwoo says gently, “But I don’t think I _can_ confess.”

“Why not?” Changkyun pulls away and looks at Hyunwoo with confused eyes. “Aren’t you the one always saying to live without regrets?”

“I am,” Hyunwoo admits, “But this is something I _literally_ cannot do.”

Changkyun’s eyebrows furrow. “What do you mean, hyung? Please, explain it to me. I want to know.”

“Do you know what _Broken Heart_ syndrome?”

Changkyun shakes his head. “I think I’ve heard of it but I’m not sure exactly what it is.”

“It is what it sounds like. Your heart literally breaks. It’s like a heart attack. It’s usually treatable in normal people, but in people with _Hanahaki_ … it’s a lot worse.”

“But what does that have to do with anything?”

Hyunwoo sighs, bringing his hands together and twiddling his thumbs. “If I confess and I get rejected, my heart will break.”

“And you’ll die,” Changkyun finishes, eyes widening.

“I’ll die,” Hyunwoo confirms. “So you see why I can’t confess.”

Something passes through Changkyun’s eyes, something that Hyunwoo can’t decipher. Changkyun looks conflicted and he hesitates before speaking. “But if the medicine doesn’t help, you’ll die anyways.”

For a moment, it strikes Hyunwoo about how casually they are speaking of death. He should feel scared and angry, but he doesn’t. All he feels is a strange acceptance. Like the question is already answered, the outcome already decided.

Changkyun looks at him anxiously, eyes pleading. Hyunwoo smiles softly and reaches a hand out to pat his head. “It’ll be okay, Changkyun-ah,” he says.

“Don’t leave us, hyung. Please. You can’t.” Changkyun buries himself into Hyunwoo’s chest and Hyunwoo pats his back slowly.

“Don’t worry. I won’t go anywhere.”

They sit together in silence, the clock ticking down the seconds till they have to go.

 

Hyunwoo looks down at the two pills in his hand. It should be easy. Just swallow with a glass of water and let them do their job. But he hesitates.

The pills help. He doesn’t feel the tightness in his chest when he watches Kihyun freely give his love to anyone else but him. But then again, when he takes the pills, he doesn’t feel much at all. The doctor had written in the prescription that if the dosage was too strong, to reduce intake to one pill during activities then return to two when on break.

Hyunwoo knows that two pills are the most effective, to cut off the feelings supplying the flowers their food. But he can’t sleep the day away and can’t shut down emotionally, especially not in front of the fans.

He puts one pill back and swallows the other. The effects are not immediate, taking a little over an hour to kick in. He lays back in bed and wonders if it’s worth it. He knows how the day will go. Kihyun will step into the room to wake Hoseok and Hyungwon and Hyunwoo will tell himself that he doesn’t feel anything when he sees it. He’ll excuse himself to the bathroom and cough another flower, the red petals falling to the ground, only to be tossed away into the wind. Rinse. Repeat.

Hyunwoo finds himself in a half-sleep induced daze when Kihyun finally enters, knocking on their door before barging in quickly. “Wake up!” he shouts at Hyungwon, who groans and turns away from the noise. “Hyunwoo-hyung, wake up,” he says gently, rubbing at Hyunwoo’s chest, who blinks slowly up at Kihyun. “Yah, Chae Hyungwon.”

“I’m up, I’m up,” Hyungwon mutters.

A weak groan comes from Hoseok’s bed and Kihyun and Hyunwoo share eye contact before Kihyun goes over and gently pats Hoseok. “Hoseok-hyung, wake up.”

“I’m up,” Hoseok murmurs, coughing into his hand. He looks dazed.

“Hoseok-ah, are you okay?”

Hoseok pauses for a moment, like he has to think about it before he slowly shakes his head. “My head hurts.”

Kihyun places a hand over Hoseok’s forehead and gasps. “Hoseok-hyung, you’re burning up!”

“Do you need to go to the hospital?” Hyunwoo asks, anxious.

“No, I’m okay,” Hoseok says, but he doesn’t make a move to get out bed and Hyunwoo doesn’t find any reason to believe him.

“I’ll go get the cold medicine and fever packs,” Kihyun frets, standing up quickly. “Hyungwon, get out of here or you’re going to catch whatever Hoseok-hyung has too.”

Hyungwon doesn’t argue but he does complain. “Hyunwoo-hyung’s here too. Why does he get to stay?”

Kihyun gives him an exasperated look as he rushes out the door to gather supplies and Hyunwoo chuckles. “I’m not staying either. Let’s go get something to eat for the others, Hyungwon-ah. It seems like Kihyunie’s going to be busy.”

“Fine,” Hyungwon sighs. “I’m going to use the bathroom first, hyung.” Hyungwon leaves the room and Hyunwoo looks over at Hoseok, who’s sitting miserably on his bed.

“You should rest, Hoseok-ah,” Hyunwoo says quietly. “Do you think you’ll be okay for the comeback show?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Don’t force yourself.”

“I’ll be fine,” Hoseok insists, eyes flaring, despite his voice cracking around the words. Hyunwoo doesn’t argue, knows that Hoseok will only stress himself out more trying to defend himself. Kihyun returns, arms laden with medicine and cold packs.

“I’m going,” Hyunwoo says. “I’ll bring back food for you guys. Any requests?”

“Anything’s fine, hyung,” Kihyun says, already starting to fuss over Hoseok.

“Alright.” Hyunwoo leaves, closing the door behind him. Something twinges in his chest but he ignores it. The medicine is working, he reminds himself as he coughs petals into the toilet. The vibrant red hue of the flowers says another story.

 

Hyungwon doesn’t fully wake up until halfway through their meal when he turns a demure gaze at Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo blinks around his chopsticks of jajangmyeon, waiting for Hyungwon to say something.

“Hyunwoo-hyung, are you in love with Kihyun?”

If Hyunwoo had been drinking water, he would have spat it out at Hyungwon. Instead, the noodles fall back into the bowl with a _plop!_ as Hyunwoo gapes. Hyungwon wrinkles his nose and hands Hyunwoo a napkin, the older taking it and hastily wiping his mouth. Even with the medicine making everything dull, a rising blush still manages to grace his cheeks.

“What are you talking about?” he says, chuckling nervously.

“I’m not Kihyun, hyung. I’m not totally oblivious.”

“Is it that obvious?” Hyunwoo asks weakly.

Hyungwon sighs and stirs his drink. “Not really.” He shrugs. “I mean, I could tell. And I’m not always the most observant. But I’m also not like… Kihyun unobservant.”

“Kihyun’s smart,” Hyunwoo tries to defend but Hyungwon scoffs and takes a sip of his americano.

“I’m not saying he’s not smart, hyung. I’m saying he’s just really oblivious. Maybe a little stupid... A lot stupid.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t argue. His appetite is mostly gone but he’s almost done with the meal anyways and doesn’t feel like wasting. “How did you know?” he asks. The noodles are a little tasteless in his mouth but he eats them anyways.

Hyungwon shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. There’s just something… different? About the way you react to him.”

He stares at Hyungwon, trying to figure out what’s running in the younger’s mind. “It could be that I hate him. You don’t know that.”

Hyungwon snorts. “Please. As if you could hate Kihyun. You need him.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t argue because he knows Hyungwon is right. They eat in silence for a little longer. “You’re- You’re okay with it?”

“Okay with what?” Hyungwon asks, confused. Hyunwoo looks at him before Hyungwon gets it. “Oh, that you like Kihyun.” Hyungwon looks at him, eyebrows furrowed. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. Cause we’re in the same group? What if we break up? What if someone finds out?” Kihyun’s words come back to Hyunwoo and he can’t but feel the initial happiness from Hyungwon’s easy acceptance sink with his heart.

Hyungwon picks out a vegetable from his plate and hums. “Those are always possible outcomes, true. But they’re just possibilities. And something tells me I wouldn’t have to worry about you two.”

“Thanks,” Hyunwoo says, laughing wryly, eyes downcast. “But Kihyun doesn’t like me. At least not in the way I want him to.”

Hyungwon doesn’t say anything and takes another sip of his drink.

 

Monsta X get their first win. Hyunwoo doesn’t register it at first, smiles at the sound of their name and doesn’t realize it until the microphone is in his hand and the foggy haze that the medicine makes is broken. He cries, words failing to come out of his lips, and he feels like when he just debuted and could never find the right words to say.

They’re in the small hallway behind the stage and they hug, not a single dry eye amongst them. No one lets go. For the first time in a long time, Hyunwoo allows himself the moment. He doesn’t worry about the flowers in his lungs or the plans he needs to set in place when the inevitable end comes. In the moment, he’s here with his members and they’re happy.

But as always, there’s no time for rest. It’s back to work once again and time doesn’t stop.

Still, it’s one less weight on Hyunwoo’s shoulder. He can leave them with one less regret, with one more accomplishment that he got to be there for.  He supposes it’s a bit morbid to already be thinking about leaving them. It feels wrong, almost, because he’s made his promises to not go anywhere for a long time.

It’s a promise he plans to keep. But their definition of a long time may be a little different. Especially when the flowers have rooted in his lungs and have tapped into his circulatory system to sap blood to feed themselves. The flowers absorb the red color of the blood and it seeps into the petals, slowly but surely. The doctor had told Hyunwoo that once the carnations were a pure blood red, it was close to the end.

The flowers are a vibrant red, just a few shades lighter than the color of blood.

 

Hyunwoo returns home from a solo schedule a little earlier than the others. It’s empty in the house aside from the growing pile of mess that’s accumulating because they don’t have time to clean anymore. He changes his clothes and takes a pill, before going to sit on the couch. As he plays on his phone, the medicine slowly starts to kick in and his phone slips out of his hand and his eyes slip shut.

He wakes up to Minhyuk’s harsh whispering. “-tell him you like him? Hoseok-hyung-”

Hyunwoo blinks slowly, trying to orient himself. He sits up, gripping the back of the couch. “Huh?” He blinks again and his vision clears to reveal Minhyuk and Kihyun. They’re both in their practice clothes and Hyunwoo makes a mental note to get in some extra practice the next day.

The two look like deer in the headlights. “Hyung,” Kihyun says, “I didn’t know you were home.” He reaches over and hits Minhyuk on the arm, the taller wincing at the treatment.

“How was I supposed to know, Kihyun-ah?” he complains, rubbing where Kihyun hit. “Hyung, when did you get back?”

Hyunwoo looks down at his watch. “About an hour ago.”

“And you decided to take a nap on the couch?” Kihyun asks, looking mildly upset. Hyunwoo shakes his head, but he realizes that must have been the wrong answer when Kihyun gets more agitated.

“I was going to wait for you guys to get back but I must have fallen asleep.” Hyunwoo yawns, stretching his arms and hearing his joints crack. He looks at them, both sweaty and tired. “Go take a shower. I’ll heat up some leftovers for dinner.”

Minhyuk brightens. “Thanks, hyung! I call the bathroom first, Kihyunnie!” he yells, as he rushes out of the living room. Kihyun lets out a short scoff, uncrossing his arms.

“Where’s the others?” Hyunwoo asks gently, getting up from the couch, wincing at the slight ache in his back.

“They decided to go out to eat. They’ll be back soon,” Kihyun says. He follows behind Hyunwoo, telling him a story about Hoseok leading dance practice. Hyunwoo chuckles at the obvious exaggerations and the things too silly to be anything but true. It seems like Hoseok will be okay taking his position as leader when the time comes.

There’s some leftover meat in the freezer and a jar of kimchi in the fridge. Hyunwoo takes out the meat to defrost and sends Kihyun off to change and shower. Minhyuk stops by, attracted by the frying meat, but only to inform Hyunwoo that he would be eating with the others. He had only come back to the dorm because he forgot his wallet and wanted a change of clothes. Minhyuk beams when Hyunwoo feeds him a piece of meat.

“Hyung, I love you!”

“Love you too, Minhyuk-ah,” Hyunwoo says with a chuckle. He turns back to transferring the meat onto a plate.

Minhyuk smiles, before his smile turns a bit more leering. “You know who else loves you?” Minhyuk lets out a yelp that almost makes Hyunwoo turn back with concern only to see Minhyuk holding his arm and Kihyun, hair wet, red in the face.

“Who?” Hyunwoo asks, resting his hip against the counter.

Minhyuk glances over at Kihyun for a moment, something passing between them. “Jooheon, duh~”

He can’t help it. Hyunwoo laughs at Minhyuk’s brightness. “Tell Jooheon I love him too.”

“You got it!” Minhyuk says, holding two thumbs up. He leaves in a flurry and Hyunwoo turns back to finish making dinner.

Hyunwoo is putting some kimchi onto a small plate when Kihyun steps up behind Hyunwoo and buries his face into his back, hair now dry. Hyunwoo frowns. “Kihyun? Something wrong?”

“No.” Hyunwoo can feel Kihyun shake his head through the thin material of his shirt. “Just missed you.”

Hyunwoo laughs softly. “I haven’t gone anywhere.”

“Yet,” Kihyun says petulantly.

“I’m not going anywhere anytime soon,” Hyunwoo promises. Kihyun sighs, a huff of warm air on his neck.

“Why do I not believe you?” Kihyun questions so softly that it almost misses Hyunwoo’s ears. The doctor’s words echo in Hyunwoo’s head. _The medicine is not curative. If you don’t stop loving them, your condition will worsen and you will die_.

Hyunwoo doesn’t answer, doesn’t know how to. Kihyun sighs softly, cheek pressed against Hyunwoo’s back as Hyunwoo finishes plating. “Let’s eat, Kihyunie,” he says, patting the hands resting above his stomach. Kihyun lets go reluctantly, stepping back.

They eat together, only the occasional clacking of chopsticks against bowls breaking the quiet as they talk in soft voices. Hyunwoo frowns when he notices Kihyun barely pick at the meat in the plate they’re sharing between them. If he’s dying anyways, he should not let these last moments be for naught. Wordlessly, he picks up a piece of meat and places it into Kihyun’s bowl.

“Hyung?” Kihyun says, looking up at him in surprise.

“You should eat more, Kihyun-ah,” he says, taking a sip of water. “You’re getting too thin.”

“I’m fine, hyung,” Kihyun mumbles, but he eats the meat without argument. Hyunwoo smiles, hiding it to not show how pleased he is, and places more pieces into Kihyun’s bowl without another word. “Thanks,” Kihyun says, after he swallows.

Hyunwoo hums and returns to his meal. When he looks up, Kihyun is staring at him with a strange expression on his face. “Hmm?”

“Have you been losing weight, hyung?”

“No?” Hyunwoo says, confused. He looks down. He doesn’t seem to have lost that much weight, even with the flowers sapping all his energy. His schedules haven’t allowed him time to go to the gym either.

Kihyun reaches a hand out, touching his face, a thumb tracing over Hyunwoo’s cheekbone. “It seems like you have,” he murmurs, eyes trained on Hyunwoo’s face. Hyunwoo unwittingly feels his eyes droop and he inhales Kihyun’s scent lingering in the air.

“I hadn’t noticed. Don’t worry about it,” Hyunwoo dismisses. Unconsciously, he leans in closer to Kihyun’s hand and sighs, eyes slipping shut.

“Don’t work so hard, hyung,” Kihyun says, hesitant. His thumb runs softly across Hyunwoo’s cheek in a comforting motion.

“I have to,” Hyunwoo says and Kihyun must sense something strange in his voice because he pulls his hand back. He wonders if Kihyun can hear the _before i go_ that laces his words. A cough breaks the spell and Hyunwoo stands up abruptly, excusing himself. He ignores Kihyun’s stare as he rushes to the bathroom, throat burning.

The flowers are so so red and they stain the white porcelain toilet like blood. The disease has reached its end stages and death is almost inevitable.

“Hyung?” Kihyun calls out. Hyunwoo rests his head against the toilet bowl, grateful that he at least had the sense of mind to lock the bathroom door. “Are you okay?” The younger sounds frantic and he keeps trying to open the locked door, doorknob rattling with his efforts.

Hyunwoo coughs, another blood red carnation falling to the floor. “I’m okay,” he says, voice hoarse and rough. He heaves a little more and a flurry of red petals scatter across the floor. Once he’s able to catch his breath, he gathers the petals and flowers to throw out the window.

Finally, he opens the bathroom door to a wide-eyed Kihyun. Something catches Kihyun’s eye a little behind Hyunwoo and he reaches for something on the older’s collar. Hyunwoo looks down only to see Kihyun holding a red carnation petal in his hand with an accusing look.

“What is this, hyung?”

“A flower petal.”

“And why is it in the bathroom? You know manager-hyung is allergic.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t care anymore. He’s exhausted. The end is near anyways. “I coughed it out,” he says simply, eyes dull.

“You what? Coughed it out?”

He nods in affirmation.

Kihyun stammers, confused. “How? What? Hyung-” There’s a pleading look to his face, similar to Hoseok’s so many months back. “Why?”

“I have _Hanahaki_.”

Kihyun cries.

 

“Does anyone else know?” Kihyun whispers. They’re laying in Hyunwoo’s bed, Kihyun curled into his side. He’s barely finished crying, eyes still red. He clings to Hyunwoo like he’s afraid the older will disappear. Hyunwoo supposes that the notion it isn’t as much of a stretch anymore.

“Hoseok caught me back during the tour and Changkyun figured it out after I went to the doctor’s.” He can’t see it, but by the way Kihyun’s hold on his shirt tightens, he can sense the million thoughts that are running through his head.  “I don’t know about the others.”

“We’ll have to tell them,” Kihyun sighs, shifting in closer. “Why did you keep this a secret, hyung? We could have helped you.”

Hyunwoo laughs softly. “This wasn’t something you guys could help me with, Kihyunie.”

“You don’t know that,” Kihyun says, pulling back to look at Hyunwoo. “We could have done something. Anything.”

 _You still wouldn’t love me back_ is what Hyunwoo wants to say. But he just smiles and apologizes. “I’m sorry.”

Kihyun looks at him, eyes still sad. “Is the medicine helping at least?”

Hyunwoo forces himself to ignore the devastation that spreads on Kihyun’s face when he shakes his head.

“Will- will you do the surgery then?”

Again, Hyunwoo shakes his head, bringing another fresh wave of tears. “Don’t worry about it,” he soothes, bringing the hand not wrapped around Kihyun’s waist to rub off the tears that are starting to leak again from Kihyun’s eyes. “Let’s finish promotions first and then we’ll worry about it, okay?”

Kihyun nods and curls into Hyunwoo’s side tighter. “Don’t go anywhere until then,” Kihyun says fiercely. “Till you’re okay again.”

“I won’t,” Hyunwoo promises. It’s more than just a promise to appease and comfort Kihyun. It’s a plea for his own life, a promise he begs fate to let him keep. He hopes she listens.

 

The end comes long after promotions have finished. It comes after they win another Bonsang at the Golden Disc Awards, Hyunwoo’s cough now persistent enough to be noticeable. It comes after they run with the Olympic torch and after they wish Hyungwon a happy birthday.

The end comes on a quiet afternoon, the kind where the sky is impossibly blue but clouds hang at the edges, restless.

They’re practicing for another award show, for another concert, for another performance, for another _something_ , Hyunwoo can’t remember anymore. The others are wary now, much more attuned to the moments when Hyunwoo breaks formation to cough harshly into his hand, blood red petals slipping out his lips with increasing frequency. They litter the floor, crushed under their feet, too many to throw away.

His members keep insisting that he take a break but Hyunwoo has taken one too many already and he hates it. He hates that he can’t keep up, hates that he’s holding them back. But most of all, he hates that they all know it’s close to the end.

He’s already said goodbye to his parents. He has a statement written for the others to post for their fans. And his members… his members refuse to let him be alone. It must hurt them, he knows, watching his skin grow paler and eyes become more sunken. But he wants to leave them on a peaceful note as well, a task he worries may not be possible.

Hyungwon seems agitated whenever he talks to Kihyun and Hyunwoo knows that he’s made the connection. Perhaps Changkyun has too, the way he sticks close to Hyungwon’s side and whispers in his ear whenever Hyunwoo catches Changkyun staring at him.

Do the others know? Does _Kihyun_ know? Somehow, the thought makes it worse. If Kihyun did know, that means he doesn’t love Hyunwoo because he doesn’t say anything. He holds Hyunwoo closely but somehow, he feels more distant despite his attentiveness, eyes staring far out into a future Hyunwoo can’t see.

The end comes like this: on a quiet afternoon, Hyunwoo coughs up a blood red carnation into his hand. It stains his fingers in red and he drops it to the floor when he smells the coppery scent of blood lingering on his hands and tastes the metallic taste in his mouth.

Then he doesn’t stop. He coughs up more and more blood-stained carnations. They fall around his feet in a morbid array of death and beauty and the last thing he hears is a cry of _HYUNG!_ before the world fades into nothing. It’s too bad, he thinks as his eyes close unwillingly. He should have confessed.

 

Hyunwoo wakes up, disoriented, bruised, sore. The others are next to him, all crying. He winces as he tries to clear his throat, feeling the roughness from coughing up all the flowers. He pushes the hands keeping him in place and sits up. Napkins stained with blood litter the floor.

“Hyunwoo-hyung, let’s go to the hospital,” Jooheon says, trying to keep his voice steady. “They can take care of you there. Please,” he begs Hyunwoo, hands tightening around his wrist.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I thought I had a little more time.” His voice is scratchy and he can feel the blood slipping down his throat but he ignores it. He has so many things to say.

“Save your strength,” Hyungwon says, voice tight. “You’ll have plenty of time.”

Hyunwoo shakes his head. “I love you guys, more than anything in the world. And I’m sorry.” He coughs, wincing as the hands on him tighten in fear. “Promise me something.”

“What?” Hoseok asks, voice cracking.

“Promise me,” Hyunwoo hums, “that you guys won’t give up. That with or without me, we’ll still be together. As a team. As Monsta X.”

“Of course,” Minhyuk says, voice clouded in tears. “You don’t even have to ask that of us.”

Hyunwoo smiles. “I’m glad.” He can feel the haziness start to set in again. He shakes it off and steels himself. “I’m sorry but I’m going to be selfish one more time. Can I say something privately to Kihyun?”

Hyungwon seems to catch on, something akin to relief and anxiety flashing through his face, and he grabs Changkyun’s hand, leading him away. The others follow reluctantly. Minhyuk holds Hoseok’s and Jooheon’s hands tightly but he looks back one last time, before he leads them both out of the door.

“Hyung, what did you want to say?” Kihyun asks softly, holding Hyunwoo’s hand in both of his.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you. I was just… scared.”

“Tell me what, hyung? Why were you scared?”

Hyunwoo has never been one for elaborate speeches and he’s certainly not one for them now, not with blood red carnations growing in his lungs and taking his breath away. All those fears don’t mean anything anymore. He’s already facing death.

“I love you.”

Kihyun’s grip on his hand loosens, Hyunwoo’s hand falling back to his side. “What?”

“I love you, Kihyun.”

“Hyung, you’re like this… because of me?”

Hyunwoo nods and Kihyun’s face falls. He bends his head forward, bangs covering his eyes. “Don’t feel guilty, Kihyun-ah. You aren’t responsible for my feelings.” Hyunwoo reaches a hand to cup Kihyun’s face. “I’m sorry for burdening you with this.”

Kihyun lets out a ragged breath, a mix of a sob and a laugh. “You’re so stupid, Hyunwoo-hyung. So so stupid. How could you not know? I thought I was so obvious.”

Hyunwoo looks at him, unsure of what to say. “What?” He pulls back his hand.

Kihyun laughs, tears running down his face. He cups Hyunwoo’s face in his hands so that they’re face to face. “I love you, too, Hyunwoo-hyung,” he whispers, voice shaking. “I love you, too.”

Hyunwoo wants to laugh. Wants to yell at Kihyun to stop messing with his heart. He only says tiredly, “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. Not in that way.”

“I love you,” Kihyun says firmly. “I’m in love with you, Son Hyunwoo. I love you and only you.”

“You love me,” Hyunwoo says slowly, trying to process the words in his head. “Are you su-” he’s cut off by lips on his, soft but insistent lips swallowing his words. The mouth pulls back and Hyunwoo follows unconsciously. Kihyun kisses him one more time, a deeper kiss that makes Hyunwoo’s heart race. He moans softly when Kihyun gently bites his lip and pulls back.

“Stop thinking about it,” Kihyun commands. “I love you,” Kihyun confirms, eyes never leaving Hyunwoo’s face even as his own lips are swollen, “and I’ll keep saying it until you believe me. I love you. I love you. I love you.” He punctuates each declaration with a kiss until Hyunwoo is breathless.

It doesn’t seem to matter. Hyunwoo coughs up another flower into his hand and Kihyun looks at him with hopelessness and despair in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” Hyunwoo apologizes again. “I guess it’s too late for me.”

“No, it can’t be,” Kihyun denies. “You said it before, _Hanahaki_ is a disease of unrequited love. I love you! Why don’t you believe me?”

Hyunwoo smiles gently. “I do. Trust me, I do.” He coughs again, a severing pain in his throat. “I’m in love with you, too, Kihyun-ah.”

“Then don’t go, Hyunwoo-hyung,” Kihyun whispers. “Please. You can’t go.”

“I read,” Hyunwoo says, looking at Kihyun with a soft smile, “that when someone dies from _Hanahaki_ , a new flower blooms in their place.” He bends in to give Kihyun a chaste kiss. “When I go, take care of that flower for me.”

“No, stay and take care of it yourself,” Kihyun says, shaking his head. He interlaces their fingers together and holds Hyunwoo’s up to his face to leave soft kisses along his knuckles.

Hyunwoo smiles. “Think of those flowers as my love for you.” He would never say something so cheesy but there’s an underlying truth to this. “Promise to take care of them for me? I want to love you for a very long time. Forever even.”

“I promise.”

Hyunwoo coughs and a blood red carnation falls into Kihyun’s hand. He blinks, eyes blurring, and slumps over. “That’s good,” he murmurs, trying but failing to clear his vision. “I’m really tired,” he admits, eyes drooping.

Kihyun smiles a fond, sad smile and gently pushes Hyunwoo back down. “Rest, hyung,” he says, voice wavering. “We’ll be here when you wake up.”

“I love you, Kihyunie.”

“I love you too, Hyunwoo-hyung.”

 

As stories begin, so must they end. Hyunwoo knows that more than anyone. There’s still so many things he wants to do. But he looks at Kihyun, holding his hand and smiling through the tears, and thinks _it’s okay_. He has no regrets. He’s happy with this ending.

The world slips through his fingers and Hyunwoo fades away.

  
  


It’s a sunny summer day and Kihyun hums as he waters the flower by the window. The pale pink gladiolus stands tall and proud. _Honor and remembrance_ , Kihyun remembers reading as he stared at the flower that fateful day long ago. He sighs. It’s days like this that he misses his Hyunwoo the most.

“Kihyun-hyung!” Changkyun calls out, soft footsteps padding along until they come to a stop behind Kihyun. “Let’s go see Hyunwoo-hyung. It’s his birthday today, remember?”

Kihyun cracks a wry smile. “Do you think I would forget?” _I woke up without him by my side_ , goes left unsaid. He follows Changkyun out and slips on his shoes to meet the others.

The sun is shining bright as they walk along the beaten paths, their chatter filling the open air. Kihyun’s so engrossed in a conversation with Hyungwon about a possible collaboration that he bumps into Hoseok’s back. He almost drops the cake in his hands.

“Hyunwoo would like it here,” Hoseok says, setting down the heavy items that he’s holding. Kihyun looks around and smiles because it’s true. Hyunwoo _would_ like it here. The air is crisp and clean. A little off ways is a small gazebo with a picnic table, a perfect place to have lunch. Flowers line the pathway and a small stream wanders meanderingly up ahead. It’s refreshing but comfortable, a bit like Hyunwoo himself, and it makes Kihyun’s heart twinge, just in the slightest.

“Jooheon-ah!” he calls out, making the boy perk up in attention away from his phone. “Help me set up the table.”

“Can’t Changkyun do it?” he whines.

Kihyun looks at Changkyun, who’s wandering around in the fields picking flowers to make a bouquet and he doesn’t have the heart to take the boy away from his task. “You can do this or go clear the area of bugs with Minhyuk,” he threatens. Jooheon pales and without another word, starts helping Kihyun.

“Let’s eat,” Kihyun calls and the others rush back. Changkyun has a small bouquet of wilted wildflowers in his hand that he lays on the table despite Kihyun’s scolding. On the other side of the table, Hoseok and Minhyuk have filled their plates and are scarfing down food like there’s no tomorrow. “Woah, slow down. There’s plenty of food.”

“You don’t cook like this often, Kihyunie,” Hoseok says, before stuffing another chopstick-full into his mouth. Kihyun laughs and acquiesces, feeling his mood rise.

Occasionally, a few other people wander down the paths. As they eat, Kihyun can’t help but turn and look everytime he hears footsteps as if Hyunwoo is coming. He scolds himself for thinking like that. Not even halfway through the meal, Changkyun sighs. “I miss Hyunwoo-hyung,” he says. “I feel bad. We’re eating his favorite food without him.”

Kihyun looks down and frowns. There’s plenty of food but it’ll get cold soon. And although he tries not to show it on his face, he feels the same as Changkyun.

“Hyunwoo-hyung wouldn’t mind,” Minhyuk says around a mouthful of rice. He’s already eaten through two plates.

“I know, but-” Changkyun starts to argue before he’s cut off.

“Just eat, Changkyun-ah. You need to gain some more weight,” Kihyun says, rubbing the younger on the back. “Besides, Hyu-”

There’s footsteps behind him and Kihyun resists the urge to turn in favor of scolding Changkyun more for not eating enough.

“Sorry I’m late,” a deep voice says, panting slightly. “Filming lasted longer than I expected.”

Kihyun can’t help it, he tries, really, but his face breaks into a bright smile at the sound of Hyunwoo’s voice. The others smile and call out “Hyung!” all while trying to clamber over each other to wish their oldest a happy birthday. Hyunwoo chuckles, a low, happy sound that fills Kihyun with warmth and thanks them. Kihyun watches with amusement as he accepts their affection with a happy smile. They meet eyes and Hyunwoo smiles shyly.

Once everything settles down, Hyunwoo throwing a compliment about the selection for their little outing that makes Hoseok beam, and everyone returns to eating, Hyunwoo takes his seat next to Kihyun, who hands him a plate full of food. “Thank you for the meal,” he says politely and starts eating, hunger evident. He notices Kihyun watching him and he looks over with a confused expression, head tilted, that makes him look like a lost puppy.

For their promotions this time, Hyunwoo has his dark black hair grown out so that it hangs just barely in his eyes, the strands layered in such a way that it looks artfully mussed. It makes him look impossibly young, a flashback to their _All In_ comeback, oh so many years ago.

“Hmm? What’s on your mind, Kihyun-ah?” Hyunwoo asks.

Kihyun smiles, reaching a hand out to wrap around and knead at Hyunwoo’s bicep. “Nothing. Just missed you, hyung. You’ve been busy. You didn’t even wake me up today before you left.”

“Sorry,” Hyunwoo apologizes, smiling sheepishly. “You just looked so peaceful and we’ve all been busy. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“And we didn’t even get to visit you on set today,” Kihyun continues complaining.

Hyunwoo hums, before setting down his bowl. “Next time, okay? When we’re both a little freer.”

“Well, you owe me,” Kihyun pouts. “Mm… How about a kiss?” Kihyun bursts into laughter at the red that filters through Hyunwoo’s face. “That’s not enough? How about five kisses? One for every year we’ve been together?”

“Just make out already so we can get to the cake!” Minhyuk yells and Hyunwoo’s face burns even brighter. Kihyun smiles fondly, moving his hand down so that their hands are interlaced together. Hyunwoo gives him a grateful smile and he returns it, happy. Content.

“You know, hyung,” he whispers quietly, head resting on Hyunwoo’s shoulder. The others have gone to frolic in the fields after Changkyun presented his little bouquet tied together with a wilted piece of grass to Hyunwoo that led to an argument that devolved into a strange competition to make the best flower bouquet for Hyunwoo. “I’m taking care of those flowers well. They’re blooming beautifully.”

Hyunwoo hums, lips around a forkful of cream cake. “I’m glad.”

“And you know what else, hyung?” Kihyun says, leaning in closer and taking the fork out of Hyunwoo’s hand and turning Hyunwoo’s face towards his so that their faces are right in front of each other. There’s a little frosting stuck to Hyunwoo’s lips.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.” And Kihyun kisses Hyunwoo, licking the sweet cream off his mouth. Hyunwoo sighs into the kiss, lips pliant against Kihyun’s more insistent ones.

“And I love you,” he murmurs against Kihyun’s lips, feeling the curve of Kihyun’s smile against his own.

“I know,” Kihyun giggles before Hyunwoo swallows his laughter with a gentle kiss and a quiet laugh of his own.

Hyunwoo pulls back. “Thank you for loving me,” he says, honestly, sincerely, truthfully. He leans in for one last kiss. “And that should be five. Am I forgiven now?”

“I don’t know,” Kihyun answers innocently, a smirk twitching the corners of his mouth up. “I think I need to be convinced a little more.”

Hyunwoo laughs and acquiesces.

And under the summer sun, with the sound of laughter in the air, the flowers bloom.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...And sometimes it's not.
> 
>  
> 
> Dark Red Carnations mean 'deep love and affection'.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this story! It was meant to be a short idea but it kind of... blossomed. I really like showki's dynamic and I never found a fic that captured it the way I saw it so I ended up writing it myself. Let me know what you think in the comments or on tumblr. I have another showki fic in progress so look out for that too.
> 
> Do you have any requests you'd like me to consider? I've been thinking of doing a short oneshot/drabble series but I need ideas. Let me know on Tumblr at @wingenuine!!


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